End-User Life Agreement

Tom CashBlog Posts, Humor Comments

I never chose to be born. I was yanked kicking and screaming from the Void, and eventually I will return to the Void. As a nihilist, I find this strangely comforting. The idea of eternal life scares the living shit out of me, and heaven sounds like a nightmare, because other people will be there. No thanks. I prefer me a little oblivion.

Sure, it seems a little sad, and some of you are probably wondering how I can find any joy in life with that kind of outlook. If so, you just, like, don’t get nihilism, man.

The International Association for the Advocacy of Penile Rights Needs Your Help!

Tom CashBlog Posts, Humor Comments

PLEASE NOTE: THIS ARTICLE IS NOT WORKSAFE. In this glorious new age of social justice and tolerance, people are more and more enabled to truly be themselves, and to stand up for the rights they deserve. Every day we see Neo-Feminists verbally assaulting men, Men’s Rights Activities slandering women, overzealous trans people treating anyone who is CIS gendered as if they were horrible monsters, and anybody who isn’t white claiming to be a person of color, thus implying that white people are devoid of color. This is real progress, people, and it is truly a great time to be alive! But there is a serious issue which continues to go unaddressed, and that, my good friends, is penile rights!

Goofy Retro Commercials That I Find Absolutely Adore

Tom CashBlog Posts, Humor Comments

I’m not generally one for nostalgia. I’m pretty happy with the here and now, and a lot of the things I treasured as a kid, when re-experienced as an adult, seem lackluster and one dimensional. Except Robocop. Don’t you dare say an unkind word about Robocop, or I’ll start smoking again specifically so I can butt a cigarette out into your open eye, you fucking philistine. But I have many fond memories of ridiculous commercials from the 80’s and 90’s that only seem to get better with time. If you’re a child of the 80’s or 90’s, you’ll remember these. You’ll remember them if you’re from an earlier era, but unless you’re my mother, what the hell are you DOING here? Shouldn’t you be off somewhere, refusing to retire so that young people have difficulty entering the workforce?

Raising a 35 Year Old

Stockton BurkeBlog Posts, Humor Comments

Stockton Burke has been busy… raising his son. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you read that correctly; Stockton is taking an active role in raising a small child. May God have mercy on our souls.

Haters Gonna Die Alone

Tom CashBlog Posts, Humor Comments

I’ve been an active user of the Internet since 1995, and while there have been numerous changes over the years, one thing remains constant: when removed from the responsibility of having to directly be held accountable for what they say and do, people show their true colors. And unfortunately, a lot of people are closeted self-loathers that only know how to spread negativity around like a particularly unpleasant sandwich spread; so when they are removed from the need to be nice in order to keep from having their asses hand to them, they reveal their true nature – that of a hater.

Is Frosty the Snowman a Demon or What?

Tom CashBlog Posts, Humor Comments

In the aftermath of the blizzard of 2016, I got to thinking about the 1969 Rankin-Bass Christmas special, Frosty the Snowman. As a child, I never questioned it, I simply accepted it as a part of the magic of Christmas. As an adult, I begin to see a much darker side to the story.