Bob Kowchanski’s Guide to Sex Stuff

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Bob Kowchanski's Guide to Sex Stuff

A little while ago I was telling you guys about how to be a grandpa and I mentioned that you might not know how to do sex, which is a pretty important part of becoming a grandpa. Now, seriously, I don’t know how you don’t already know all about sex; after all, this is the Internet, and you have plenty of educational sites to reference [EDITOR’S NOTE: several of the previous links are not work-safe; Bob, being unemployed, tends to forget to mention these things].

But that’s fine, whatever. There’s a reason why most men’s and women’s magazines have at least one article per issue describing new sex moves. I don’t know where they’re getting all these new ones, I mean, after a while, you’d think you’d run out of ideas, but apparently these people are real experts when it comes to sex. But you don’t need all that, you just need the basics. Then you can have sex moves after that, but you gotta learn how to crawl before you learn how to breathe through your nose while piledriving a woman’s cooter with your tongue.

HOW SEX WORKS

Okay, so first, the basics. If you’re a girl, some of these things might not apply to you. Okay, so you have a dong, right? It’s sort of like this flesh tube hanging between your legs most of the time, but then, POW! It gets all hard and you can put it in stuff. All kinds of stuff. Or just rub it. That works, too. But none of those things are necessarily sex. Yeah, you can microwave a piece of lunch meat and wrap it around your dong, and that’s pretty good, but sex is all about it being with something that is (A) alive, and (B) a person. Some people will tell you that one or both of those things are optional, but they’re sick fucks and you need to stay the hell away from them.

So the optimal place to put your penis is in a butt or a vagina or a mouth. Another important thing about sex is consent. For those of you who don’t know, consent means “the other person knows about it and also agrees with it and is awake”. And just having a general agreement sort of thing isn’t always good enough; you need to have an explicit understanding with the other person. In most cases, it’s just not acceptable to walk up to your sex partner in the middle of a business meeting and stick your wang in her mouth.

a sexy business meeting

I guess it depends on what company you work for.

So check it out, your penis tip is like a meat plunger or a squeegee, sorta. It’s designed by evolution to pump out another man’s jizz, so that your jizz can make the woman pregnant instead, which is why sloppy seconds isn’t so bad. But evolution favors having a more pronounced helmet which is why it looks like that.

the more you know

The point being – not to dwell on my previous article too much – your grandpa had a better helmet than all the other men your grandma banged that day, otherwise you might not exist. I’m not saying the parents of everyone reading this article were conceived during an orgy, but I’m betting at least half of them probably were.

AUTOGENEROUS ZONES

Autogenerous zones are areas on the body that prime up the juices so that you can have sex. I mentioned that you gotta put your penis in one of several available holes, but not every hole is created equal. For the mouth, basically all you gotta do is tempt your sex partner with some kind of food, and then pull the old bait and switch and put the food on your dong. Don’t do this with hot wing sauce.

It’s not nearly so simple with a vagina. Vaginas need to be lubricated. If you don’t have any lube available, thankfully nature provides its own lube, but first you gotta say a bunch of stuff, and not say other things, and you’ve gotta pay attention to her stupid stories, and then touch all the right autogenerous zones in the right order. Failure to do so will cause the whole process to fail, and you’ll have to start over, possibly with a totally different sexual partner. I learned this from countless video games.

a virtual date

Even in video games, dates are boring and you just want to hurry up and get to the sex stuff. But counter-intuitively, even the date is part of getting the vagina all sloppy and ready.

For the butt, no amount of licking, sniffing, poking, pushing, rubbing, plucking, slapping, tapping, or stroking will help. You’ve either gotta put some lube in there, or go in dry, and almost nobody likes to do that. A good lube for any kind of sex stuff and butt stuff in particular is coconut oil. It smells good, too. The coconut oil, not the butt stuff. You might even want to put a little coconut oil on your upper lip before you go in the butt, to mask the smell. Only don’t make the mistake of using the same finger that you just used to fingerbang your lover’s butthole with, because that defeats the whole purpose and you might give yourself a greasy Dirty Sanchez.

CLEANING UP

Sex is pretty messy, especially if you get drugs involved. Once, I woke up in this room with one other dude and three other girls, and I was naked and submerged up to my waist in some kind of tub of goo and I had a nasty skin rash for a couple weeks afterward, although that was probably because I didn’t shower, I just got dressed and got the fuck out of there and then my pants dried to the inside of my thighs and my ass and by balls and my taint. By the time I had gotten back to my place, that shit had pretty much turned to glue and I had to soak in a hot bath for like half an hour before I could get them off which ripping all the hairs out, and I’m pretty hairy down there as a general rule.

The Matrix pod scene

Kind of like this, only I had hair and eyebrows and there were less tubes. Also it smelled really, really strongly of artificial cherry flavor.

Also, I got VD, but that’s all taken care of.

My point is, right after sex, you should clean up. Post sex showers are important, and if you do it with your sex partner, it can be sorta fun, although you usually end up all cold and covered in soap while you’re waiting for your turn. But you gotta wash everything down there, including your taint. That’s the part everybody forgets.

 mastering your taint

“You must master your taint.”

SEX MOVES

So the average sex moves are like the main three: missionary, cowgirl, and doggy. That’s assuming it’s a man and a woman banging. Otherwise, there are other standard things, like double-blowing and scissoring and docking other stuff that’s kind of a mystery to me. And I’m not a total expert on this stuff, mostly because half the time I’m too fucked up from smoking drugs to remember what I did, but I have learned a couple neat things that I can share.

This one girl I dated really liked having a drinking straw stuck up her butt and then having me blow into it. It was weird, but she loved it. I decided to up the ante one night, so I used a bicycle pump, but that didn’t turn out so well, and she had severe, painful gas for hours and hours afterward. Then she dumped me. I later learned that you should never blow air into anybody’s holes unless you’re performing mouth-to-mouth resurrection, or you could cause an air bubble to go into their heart and kill them.

Another girl I knew – I never fucked her – liked to have warm liquids dumped on her body during sex, like hot candle wax and oatmeal. I’ll bet her bed was a mess. Here’s another example of why it’s good to wash up afterwards.

My friend had these neighbors who liked to have violent sex. Like he’d be punching her during, and she’d scream, “Nobody does it like you do!” They did this with the windows open. Also, I seen porn where the girl is punching a dude’s dick and balls. People get into some weird stuff.

My favorite thing is to wear a bow-tie like I’m a male stripper. What’s your favorite thing? Leave a comment, and I’ll try it for sure.

About the Author

Bob Kowchanski

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There’s an old saying that goes, “If it doesn’t make sense, write it down. If it still doesn’t make seance, crumple it up and eat it.” I know it’s old because I invented it myself in 6th grade, and I stand by it to this very day. I don’t know what else to put here. I think my posts speak for themselves, so read those, instead. Email me at kowchanfiftyslick@gmail.com.