FoodConspiracyGuru.org: Your Source for the TRUTH About Healthy Eating!

Tom CashBlog Posts, Humor Comments

FoodConspiracyGuru.org: Your Source for the TRUTH About Healthy Eating!

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article contains major spoilers about the film Splice.  If you have not seen it, you may wish to avoid reading any further.

As any regular reader of FoodConspiracyGuru.org should already know, the healthy food community has been under attack for years by greedy corporations, corrupt governments, and untrustworthy individuals in the fields of medicine and science.  Lies, deceit, and disinformation abound, making it difficult for the average consumer to make informed decisions about what food is safe to eat, and what food might poison you or cause you to contract a terrible disease, like Ebola or Necrotising Fasciitis.

It is getting so bad that food-aware consumers such as myself and the regular readers of this blog are being accused of having a mental illness by popular nutritionists!  After skimming the first few paragraphs of that link I just shared – don’t read it, it will only upset you – I was forced to shut off my computer, make a kale shake, and take a power walk to calm my nerves.  I have since found myself unable to even take another look at it.  Some people just don’t have the respect to provide trigger warnings.  I’ve said it before and I’ll probably need to say it many times in the future: people really need to start checking their language!

triggerWarning

IMAGE CREDIT: Sean Tejaratchi / http://liartownusa.tumblr.com

Well, I am here to dispel some of these myths and lies, and share the TRUTH about healthy eating!

1. THE INSIDE SCOOP ON GLUTEN

Gluten is making a lot of headlines these days.  Some so-called experts – “doctors”, “scientists”, and “nutritionists” and other shills of the Industrial Food Complex – claim that it is harmless, except to a small percentage of people with gluten allergies.  Nothing could be further from the truth!  New research has shown that all humans react negatively to gluten, and that it is a major contributing factor to heart disease, diabetes, obesity, cancer, and autism.

What is gluten, and why is it so dangerous?  Until only a few years ago, gluten was a total mystery!  Long-suspected to exist in wheat products, no evidence could be found to support the beliefs of the healthy eating communities that it existed, a cause of great scorn and ridicule for an already under-represented and heavily-oppressed subculture.

Then, a breakthrough of modern physics occurred in the laboratories of The Nature’s Miracle Renewed Foundation, located in Simi Valley, CA.  Dr. Alan Melman discovered the glutrino, a sub-atomic particle responsible for the above-mentioned list of maladies, along with many others!

glutrinos in action in the digestive system

We now know that glutrinos run wild in the human digestive system.  As you can see in the chart above, the act of wheat and wheat by-products being broken down by stomach acids frees the glutrinos, which then interact with E.coli bacteria in the small intestines.  This interaction “supercharges” the glutrinos, causing them to punch into the intestinal walls and become embedded, where they absorb nutrients before they can make it to the bloodstream, change their molecular spin, and release them as toxins.  Once a glutrino enters the body, it is very difficult to get rid of, aside from through the use of fasting in combination with a powerful colon cleanse, such as a coffee enema (preferably a dark, rich roast), or, for those with a particular sensitivity to caffeine, a delicious green tea and mango enema.

2. THE REALITY OF GMO’S

As part of my research for this article, I spent the weekend watching documentaries about genetic modification.  Among them was a very well-put-together documentary about the private lives of geneticists and their work, a film called Splice.  I highly recommend it.  If you’re on the fence about the dangers of genetic modification and the morality of the people who dabble in it, this film will almost certainly change your opinions on the matter!

The films features two obscure genetic engineers, Clive Nicoli and Elsa Kast, and their team at Nucleic Exchange Research and Development.  They produce what, at first glance, appears to be a docile creature, which later turns out to be a vicious killer which can change gender at will and can spit poison.

Splice movie Ginger Fred

Fred, the hostile living meat puppet that happily bit its own girlfriend, Ginger, to death!

Instead of learning their lesson and abandoning such pursuits, Nicoli and Kast decide to create a human/animal hybrid.  The owners of the company wisely tell the scientists to euthanize this dangerous creature.  But being amoral monsters interested only advancing their own obsessions with playing God, the scientists ignore this sage advice and continue their work in secret, despite the fact that creature -which they name Dren – attacks Kast and nearly kills her!  I think this alone demonstrates how detached from reality most scientists really are – all they care about is discovering things.  They don’t care about human life at all, not even their own!

Over time, the creature grow up into a hellish demon which then rapes both of the scientists and kills Nicoli, before Kast kills it herself.  Somehow, all of this has been covered up, including the horrifying fact that Kast was impregnated by this beast!  Somewhere, right now, some horror of science gone wrong is locked in a secret cell somewhere; God help us if it ever escapes.  I searched the Internet far and wide, and there seems to be a nearly impenetrable smoke screen around the film, framing it as a work of fiction.  What lengths the corporations will go to in order to cover their misdoings!

Splice movie Dren

This is Dren, a manmade demon whose spawn could break free and rape us all to death at any moment!

What we can learn from this is that genetically modified life forms do not have our best interests at heart, and with the way we’ve plundered the environment, I do not blame them!  As much as I love all nature, I feel that playing God with the genetic structure of plants and animals is only going breed monsters that will wipe us all out.  Imagine a world where chickens bred without heads, wings, or beaks suddenly link up to become a single vicious hive mind that shoots thousands of eggs per minute at us!  Imagine a world where fruits and vegetables gain mobility and chase us down in the streets, like in the film Attack of the Killer Tomatoes; once touted as a farcical horror-comedy, this film paints a terrifying picture given what we now know to be literally possible!  The only way we can fight back is to stop these things from happening before they can start!  If we don’t buy these insidious foods, the scientists making them won’t get funding and further evil cannot therefore be spread!

3. BAD WATER – IS NOTHING SACRED?!?

You should already know that the CEO of Nestle, Peter Brabeck-Letmathe – who is obviously a demon – thinks that water should be privatized.  As audacious as this news item is, I feel that this is taking attention away from the real issue, which is that most water sources in America have fluoride added to them.  Fluoride has no benefit to human health whatsoever, and actually calcifies the pineal gland!  It’s no wonder we haven’t ascended into the fourth dimension if there’s calcium build-up around our third eyes!

Peter Brabeck-Letmathe pouring a glass of water

This man wants to take your eyes away!

Spring water can’t be trusted, either.  Remember, these supposed “springs” are owned by corporations – like Nestle – and for all we know, this is just tap water which has been run through a filter!  Those store-bought water filters are garbage, and you can’t even trust the really expensive ones you install under your sink.  The only water you can trust is chemically pure water which has been produced in a laboratory.  Ignore the lies spread by disinformation agents and take it from me!  I know what I’m talking about; I’ve been drinking it for over a year, and I feel fine!  Sure, it’s expensive, but can you really put a price on your health?  Actually you can, it’s about $13,500 a year, in this case, but it’s worth every penny!  Some people might like to point out that I’ve blogged many times that I have a severe mineral deficiency, but as I have frequently pointed out, this is due to nearby cell phone towers

4. NOT ALL TOFU IS CREATED EQUALLY

I know this will probably make waves with some of my regular readers.  As you already know, tofu is the ultimate food!  You can make anything with it, tofu cheese substitute, tofu ice cream substitute, tofu meat substitute, tofu chocolate substitute, the list goes on and on.  Basically, it takes on the flavor of whatever spices you put into it, and can be made to varying textures and densities, making it a very versatile food!

disgusting looking tofu dish

A feast for the eyes and the mouth!

But don’t you dare put a single bite into your mouth unless you’re sure those soybeans were grown organically and were not genetically modified!  There’s a large number of corporations cashing in on the soybean craze these days, and they’re cutting corners.  Consumers who don’t know any better are buying filthy, GMO-laden, non-organic soybeans!

So be smart, always check your tofu and other soybean related foods to see if they’re GMO-free and organically grown.  If they aren’t, don’t buy them, and if you can help it, never shop at the store that sells them ever again!


Special Disclaimer for the Stupid: This is satire.  Almost everything is this article is made up, and you’re a fucking moron if you believe it.  Most of the links used in this article were either cherry-picked due to their extremely credulous authors, or intentionally taken out of context.

About the Author

Tom Cash

Hi! I'm Tom. I am on a journey of constant self-improvement, and I'm thankful that you've chosen to join me. I'd love to hear from you.