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A List of Various Shitbirds

So, ever since I lost my job for slapping a security guard with a rubber keyboard wrist pad at work a few weeks back, I’ve been looking for work.  I’ve had a lot of time to relax, play video games, and think.

I’ve been super bummed because I can’t smoke weed right now – I can’t afford it and I gotta pass a drug test – but one day when I decided to really clean my apartment, like reorganize all the drawers and everything, I found a little baggie with some blotter acid in it, so that’s pretty cool.  I ate some the other night and played Sonic the Hedgehog on my Sega Genesis emulator and it got me thinking about the fact that I’ve never seen a picture of Sonic without shoes on, and it fucked me up really bad because I all I could imagine was stumps.

Sonic the Hedgehog feet

They’re so, so much worse than I was thinking.

I ended up spending most of that night hiding under some blankets because I started seeing spiders and I could hear their footsteps like super loud and wherever they stepped there were these little ripples on the hardwood floor and then it would freeze like that, leaving little dents, and I was like, “Fuck that shit, something like that bites you and you’re dead for sure!”

So I’m pretty sure that acid was the bad stuff I bought from that shady dude, Roy, a few years back, but I’m gonna dose again just to be sure, only first I’m buying some Raid.

Anyways, like I said, I’ve had a lot of time to think, and I’ve decided that I just don’t have room in my life for shitbirds anymore.

What’s a shitbird, you ask?

Well, that’s a complicated question with a complicated answer, my friend, but I’ll do my best to explain.  You see, shitbirds are a naturally occurring force of stupidity and ignorance in the universe.  They cut in front of you in line at the bank and then act like they didn’t see you.  They honk at you if you don’t go the very second the light turns green, then they’ll rush to pass you and end up going ten miles per hour slower than you were going to begin with because all they cared about was being in front.  They randomly fall off of stuff because they’re just not paying attention to where they’re going.  They set fire to themselves on accident when they’re trying to add wood to a campfire.

Let’s go over some examples of shitbirds I seen.


So, are kids nature’s perfect shitbirds, or what?  OH, YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT, BUDDY.

kid dumps sand on himself

Stupid shitlord baby.

Kids are pretty much the perfect example of a shitbird.  They shit their pants and piss themselves pretty often, they fall off of stuff, run into stuff, they try to eat things that will make you choke to death and die, they constantly interrupt when you’re trying to talk about important stuff like Breaking Bad and Game of Thrones, they want to watch their stupid Dora the Exploiter or Kujo or whatever stupid faggot cartoons they like, and they don’t know anything!  Like if you ask a little kid a math problem or how to spell hypothalamus, they just go “DURRR” and poop themselves.

I hate children.


Okay, so we know that all kids are scrubs, but not all scrubs are kids, if you follow my line of reasoning. Like, a scrub will run right into a wall or a tree or a parked car, and I seen lots of kids do that, but this guy I live near did it the other day, and he’s in his sixties and he’s just worthless in every possible way. He wears these plaid slacks that are three inches too short and they’re super tight in the crotch and he walks funny and you’d think a guy like that would just change his pants, but he actually thinks it looks good. Once I seen him walk right into a parked car, and he fell over and tore his pants right down the middle and they blasted off him like a parachute taking off and we all laughed but it also kind of made me think, you know, because it was like metaphor for something.

old man falling down an escalator

A typical elderly shitbird.

Most old people think that because they’re old and slow and they’ve been around longer that they should be given everything first, be served first, be treated like they’re special, and just get free healthcare, and it’s like THANKS OBAMAMA FOR LETTING PEOPLE OVER THE AGE OF SIXTY VOTE because they vote for stupid stuff like making weed stay illegal and not letting homos get married and all that stuff.  If a homo wants to get married, why try to stop them?  I think they’re just jealous because those homos are in love and having all kinds of buttsex and old people can’t get it up and their buttholes are all dry and crusty and prolapsed and they haven’t felt love or any other emotion besides fear since they were in their mid-forties.

So yeah, total shitbirds.  Especially my grandpa, whom I hope dies pretty soon.  I’ve pretty much given up on there being any good grandpas, so you can forget that other article I did.


I wanted to say that I’m exempt from this but I don’t drive anymore.  My license got suspended a few years ago for reasons I won’t go into this right now, and I can’t afford a car anyway, so I ride my bike everywhere, and let me tell you, people in cars are all stupid assholes.

old man in a car screaming

He’s old and he’s a motorist. That’s like a double-shitbird.

Okay, so you know how the rule is that bicycles are just like cars and gotta follow the same laws?  Well, I don’t think motorists appreciate that, because whenever I’m on the freeway, everybody’s all blowing by me at fifty five miles an hour and laying on their horns and rolling down their windows and screaming, “GET OUT OF THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING ROAD, YOU CRAZY MOTHERFUCKER!” and I’m like, “UH, DURR, IT’S NOT LIKE I’M IN THE PASSING LANE!”  It’s not like I can go the speed limit, too; if I could, I’d be like an Olympic athlete or something and then I’d be rich and I’d have a car or a butler to drive me around and you guys could all get fucked.  Anyways, it’s really rude, and they’re endangering my health.  I mean, I’m wearing a helmet and all, but if I got hit at 55 MPH I’d probably break a leg or something.


When I first moved into my apartment, my one neighbor invited me into her apartment and gave me cookies and then she tried to get me to go to her church.  There were crosses and pictures of Jesus all over her apartment and she had a stupid nativity scene, even though it was the middle of July.  It was creepy.  I was like, “Thanks, but no thanks, I’m not religious.”  So she made me leave.  Now she gives me dirty looks every time I see her.

Church people are a special breed of shitbird because unlike everybody else I mentioned who do stupid stuff because they’re just always done it and it’s habit, or because they’re still too stupid to know the difference, church people actually think these things out really hard, and decide the answer is an old book that’s really boring and hard to read that God supposedly wrote, because it’s not like He had anything better to do with his time.  I totally believe in God, but I think He’s busy making stones so heavy He can’t lift them and stacking turtles on top of each other and probably like hanging out with Jesus and Buddha and all those guys.  If He doesn’t have time to answer your stupid prayers, He doesn’t have time to write a book.

typical churchgoer

Typical churchgoer. [IMAGE CREDIT: Sabree Hill/]

Anyways, as if this weren’t bad enough, church people think that if you don’t believe what they believe, or don’t do what they say you should do, then you should be set on fire forever and have the Devil poke you with a giant fork.  THAT’S SHITBIRD THINKING IF I’VE EVER HEARD OF IT.


Okay, not just Sonic the Hedgehog fans and Anime kids are shitbirds, but of the types of people I’m about to mention, they’re definitely the worst.  It’s like you meet some dude and you’re talking to them and no matter what subject you bring up, they will find a way to relate it back to Animes or Sonic or D&D or whatever thing they like.  I play D&D sometimes still with my friend Rick Lohman, so it’s not like I’m not into nerd stuff, but I have all sorts of other interests and also real life experiences, and the people I’m talking about pretty much don’t, so everything always comes back to the same three or four things with them, and none of them have very much to do with reality.

Actually, Rick is a perfect example of what I’m talking about.  I like Rick, but I can only take him in small doses.  He’s a pretty good dungeon master, but whenever we’re out at a diner afterwards, he’s always going to about Gamajama Norouto Titan Warriors or some bullshit, and he’s super loud about it, so everybody stares.  He’s also obsessed about Homestuck Runner or whatever it’s called, which is this really stupid web comic about grey children with great big candy corns coming out of their heads.  I hate it.  He tried to show it to me once, and I didn’t get it, and he was like, “The first hundred episodes are kinda slow, but after that, it gets really good,” and I’m like, “Well, let’s skip to that,” and he’s like, “No, you can’t, or you won’t know what’s going on!”  I told him I didn’t care about it about if that was the case, and he got all sad like I’d punched his mom or something.  Which I’d probably never do.

terrible Homestuck cosplay

This isn’t Rick, but it might as well be.

My best friend, Chip Person, says Rick is a Sperglord, but I don’t know what that means.  Chip’s usually right about these things, though.  Let me tell you a story about Rick that will maybe put things into perspective.  He was dating this girl for awhile, a really nice girl, she used to play D&D with us.  This was like ten years ago.  Anyway, they dated for a year or so, and she really seemed to like hanging out with the gang more than she liked hanging out with him, and after awhile Chip and I figured out that she really wanted to stop dating him but she was too nice and she was afraid he couldn’t stay friends with us anymore.  Eventually she started messing around with Chip, and broke up with Rick, so she could date Chip exclusively.  Rick was really cool about it – too cool about it, actually, especially considering that she kept playing D&D with us.

Eventually, it got too weird for her, so she stopped coming to D&D – mostly because Rick kept making passive aggressive comments about how she should still be dating him.  I guess she also had this huge fight with him, because after that he stayed in his room for three weeks – he was still living with him mom at the time – and wouldn’t talk to anybody, not even his mom.  Then D&D starts back up like nothing happened at all, only he brought this fucked up homemade Realdoll with him that he made out of pantyhose stuffed with towels and it one of those mannequin heads like you see in hair cutting schools.  He named her Penny and he would talk as her in a different voice and like roll her dice for her like she was supposed to be a real person.  He refused to discuss any of this, and would change the subject immediately if you brought it up.

realdolls are creepy

Like this, only way, way worse.

Then, one day, he stopped bringing her, and I later found out from his brother that his mom had discovered it and burned it because there were all these stains all over it and like mold growing in it.  That shit was fucked up.  He still won’t talk about it.  I’m kinda glad, to be honest; just thinking about it now makes me feel really sick.  Or maybe it’s because I microwaved a glass of Ranch dressing and drank it on a dare earlier.

I think I gotta go lie down now.

About the Author

Bob Kowchanski

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There's an old saying that goes, "If it doesn't make sense, write it down. If it still doesn't make seance, crumple it up and eat it." I know it's old because I invented it myself in 6th grade, and I stand by it to this very day. I don't know what else to put here. I think my posts speak for themselves, so read those, instead. Email me at