Why Jeff Dunham Must Be Destroyed

Tom CashBlog Posts, Humor Comments

For some of you, this will seem like low-hanging fruit. For others, this will seem like an insult to your favorite comedian. I’m going to just put this out there: I don’t enjoy his comedy. It’s not for me. I’m an elitist snob in many ways (but at least I can admit it, you uncultured plebeian robots!), and I find Dunham’s work to be mostly easy jokes being delivered by annoying characters. I think he’s extremely overrated and for me, watching him in torture.

I feel similarly about Tim Burton films.  At least last everything released after Ed Wood.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Tim Burton Johnny Depp

This move was basically just a huuuuge “fuck you” to the late, great Gene Wilder.

But I recognize that a LOT of people LOVE him, and I don’t pretend to be better than them. It’s just a difference of taste. If you like Jeff Dunham, then I’m glad he makes you laugh. People deserve to be happy, and I think it’s really the mark of a shitty person to act like your likes are somehow better than anyone else’s.

So when I say that Jeff Dunham must be destroyed, please understand that it has nothing to do with his act. It has to do with his curious rise to power.

Let’s keep in mind that Jeff Dunham is a ventriloquist. Okay? He talks through puppets. He stands up on stage and talks to himself through inanimate proxies to the delight of millions. What part of that statement doesn’t make sense?

MILLIONS.

By 2009, he had sold over four million DVDs and had made around seven million dollars in merch sales. His Christmas Special DVD released the same year sold over 400,000 copies in just two weeks. Between the years of 2008 and 2009, he earned THIRTY MILLION DOLLARS, putting him in third place, just behind Jerry Seinfeld and Chris Rock.

Did I mention that this guy is a fucking VENTRILOQUIST?

When’s the last time you heard of a ventriloquist selling out major venues all over the country, being offered lucrative television show deals, and being considered one of the great American comics of its age?

That’s right, never.

So how do we explain this? Are his beloved, time-tested, brilliant, absolutely-not-racist characters, such as Achmed the Dead Terrorist and José Jalapeño on a Stick (with his award winning catchphrase, “On a steeek”) really that in touch with the American zeitgeist? Is it possible that the novelty of his puppets has not yet worn thin? Is he a comedic genius? Or is there some other explanation?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist

“I’m not racist, but…”

Like the intervention of a demon?

I’m merely suggesting that the reason he’s become such a popular and iconic figure in modern stand-up comedy has less to do with his talent or his tenacity or his ability to give audiences what they want, and more to do with the fact that he sold his soul to a demon; perhaps Zagam, the Great King of Hell that makes men witty, and who is said to change things into their opposites, and is a demon of counterfeit.

Seal of Zagam

For entertainment purposes only. Do not try this at home.

It would certainly explain a lot.

And perhaps he’s imbued his puppets with lives of their own, entrapping demons into each. Perhaps he is not a ventriloquist at all, but a kind of modern day Faustian wizard who has taken it upon himself to water down the collective quality of American comedy in order to live a life of luxury.

summon demon

“Oh great and mighty King of Hell, Zagam the Counterfeiter, accept my offering of Jolly Ranchers and heed my call!”

All I am saying, here, is that we can’t afford to take that risk. We clearly need to round up all his puppets, and enclose them in circles of salt, and exorcise the demons from them. Then we need to imprison this evil, evil man, before he can summon more demonic entities into the world.

It’s the only way to be sure.


About the Author

Tom Cash

Hi! I’m Tom. I am on a journey of constant self-improvement, and I’m thankful that you’ve chosen to join me. I’d love to hear from you.