Unless you’re one of the lucky few, there’s a good chance that you don’t like your job enough that you’d do it for free, even if we lived in a perfect world where money wasn’t a thing. You may not hate your job – though many do – but let’s face it, wouldn’t you rather roll out of bed whenever you damn well feel like it, and spend your time doing stuff you intensely enjoy, rather than rationalize the fact you’re getting paid well enough to do stuff that you’d really rather not do?
Would anyone, if given the option, choose to fight through traffic every day so they can sit in an office somewhere and listen to some fat shit complain that the vending machine is out of Diet Coke again, despite the fact that they bring their lunch to work in a hefty bag like they’re some sort of pachyderm that needs to consume 70,000 calories a day to survive (that’s seven Michael Phelps)?
Of course not. The reality of the situation is that even if you’re not abjectly miserable at work, one or more of your coworkers are, and negativity is much, much more contagious than positivity.
If you’re looking to fit in better in your workplace, just follow this guide, and you too can be a miserable fuck just like your coworkers!
MAKE SOME NOISE
Working in an office environment – especially something with an open floor plan, such as a cubicle farm – is a great opportunity for subjecting others to awful bodily noises and obnoxious social habits. Do you make an obnoxious throat clearing noise three or four times an hour? Crank up the volume on that sucker, and make everyone suddenly extremely aware to the fact that they need to cough to loosen the phlegm build-up they’ve got due to sick building syndrome. Do you eat with your mouth open, like a fucking dog?
Make sure you sit in a common area – or better yet, sit at your desk! That Spam and potatoes au gratin casserole is so delicious, you can’t help but wolf it down, so why not share your joy with everyone?
Do you have a job that requires you to spend a lot of time on the phone? Make sure that every time you dial out, you do it on speaker phone, and leave it that way until the other side picks up, even if takes a solid twenty seconds for them to answer!
Make terrible jokes and then follow them up with loud, braying, hyena-like laughter. And why even bother making jokes? With a little social anxiety and self-consciousness, you can laugh awkwardly after every stated observation and opinion.
Being seated all day is really bad for you, so it’s important to take microbreaks throughout the day. Stand up and get away from the computer or that stack of paperwork for a moment. Take that time to stretch, and while you’re at it, be sure to groan and grunt extremely loudly. If you can make it sound like you’re having a painful orgasm, all the better!
With very little effort, you can make everyone within earshot acutely uncomfortable. And isn’t that the whole point?
When your career is on the line, it’s important to sound intelligent, especially when you’re not. For this reason, you’ll want to familiarize yourself with some business terms which sound great, even though they’re basically being misused. Yes, it’s true that the meaning of words change over time – language is like an organism in a constant, rapid state of evolution – but sometimes, the reason for that is because people are fucking morons. Why not ride that wave, and find out what stupid places it can take you? With enough ineptitude, you might find yourself in management one day!
While there are many words and phrases that sound great with actual meaning, the best are those that you can misuse (because everybody else does too)! Here’s a few popular examples to get you started:
REAL DEFINITION: Speech or writing that uses too many words or excessively technical expressions.
HOW YOU SHOULD USE IT: To describe how a document, email, or press release should read. Example: “Can we have a meeting this afternoon to discuss the verbiage for the latest online manual?”
THE WORD YOU WERE REALLY LOOKING FOR: Language. Example: “We need to hammer out the language for this release before it goes live.”
WHY YOU SHOULDN’T USE THE CORRECT TERM: Language only has two syllables. Verbiage has three syllables. Everybody knows that more every additional syllable in a word adds a perceived ten points to your IQ.
REAL DEFINITION: To offer suggestions about the best course of action to someone. Example: “I strongly advise you to take a second look at the database, because the numbers just aren’t adding up.”
HOW YOU SHOULD USE IT: To inform. Example: “Please advise on the status of the trouble ticket.”
THE WORD YOU WERE REALLY LOOKING FOR: Depending on the circumstance, “update”, “inform”, “explain”. Example: “This email is to inform you that the missing laptop has been found.”
WHY YOU SHOULDN’T USE THE CORRECT TERM: Advise sounds much cooler; you sound like a military guy or something. Copy that! Roger Wilco! Ten-four, good buddy!
Sooner or later, you’re going to have the privilege of getting paid to poop. Some people get angry about this and say it’s immoral. However, they have magical colons that can be disabled at will – pooping isn’t generally a choice. Since a large portion of office workers rely on microwavable meals and fast food, you’d better believe there’s going to be some traumatic bowel movements happening. Nothing beats going into the office bathroom, and hearing someone moaning in agony as they give birth to a horrendous fecal abortion. That magical moment when you walk through the door to hear what sounds like a bucket of chili being shot through a hose into a well is something we all live for (especially when the wave of stench hits, and you realize that you may need to call 911 on this person’s behalf). Maybe you should limit your Chipotle intake to three or less servings a week, Jim!
Another charming thing you’ll find in the bathroom at work is that guy who insists upon washing out his Tupperware dish of chicken vindaloo in the bathroom sink, ignoring the large, official-looking sign which states that one should specifically not do this as it clogs the drains, causing them to back up. It doesn’t matter that there’s a perfectly good sink in the breakroom with dish soap, scrubbies, and not nearly as much human filth scattered onto every single surface. You’ll make do with cheap paper towels and hand sanitizing soap.
And even if you only need to pee, you can still make others around you unhappy, simply by engaging them in conversation while they’re in mid-stream. You might as well pat them on the back, for as socially unacceptable as this is, it’s not like they can just walk away. The key to really keeping your misery-spreading game on point is to capitalize on others’ inability to escape whenever the opportunity presents itself.
TAKE A BREAK
You can’t just put your nose to the grindstone for eight hours a day without some serious repercussions to your mental well-being. Even at a great job, there’s deadlines and awful clients and little tasks that you’d rather not do. Even porn stars get the fun sucked out of their job (among other things) by taking on bizarre, unnatural, camera-friendly positions that need to be maintained for much longer than possible to make sure there’s plenty of safety footage, and they must do all of this under hot lights in front of a bunch of people that you definitely don’t want to see in a porno. So it’s important to take regular breaks.
Most workplaces don’t hate their employees enough to not include a breakroom, even if it’s a super crappy one.
At bare minimum, there’s probably a fridge, a microwave, and a sink. And that’s more than enough to push everyone around you just a little closer to suicide. After all, who needs to pack a lunch where there are so many delicious options to choose from already? Sure, somebody else brought that food from home and have been looking forward to it all day, but fuck them! You’re more important than them, dig in! Everybody will hate you. However, even if your body is what Chris Farley’s would have looked like had he REALLY let himself go, no one will be able to prove it was you.
While you’re at it, make sure to stop the microwave a few seconds prior to the completion of its timer, and just go ahead and not reset the counter. It would only take you a half a second to considerately hit that button, so the next person doesn’t have to do it when they go to heat up their own food, but again, fuck them! You’re a big fat behemoth, and every second away from shoveling more empty calories into your maw is pain.
Go back to your desk, and noisily eat your slop while laughing mirthlessly at BuzzFeed, or something equally banal and awful. Why not have some fish? That leaves a good, strong, lingering odor that will vaguely nauseate everyone around you for the rest of the day. Not you, though, because you are strictly a mouth-breather.
It’s time to clean up! Only don’t. Don’t even bother to wash your dishes. Just fill them with water and leave them in the sink for a month. Assuming you actually use dish soap, make sure you twist the little lid off, or leave the cap open, so that the soap caked in there can harden and congeal into a little soap brick, requiring others to jab at it with a toothpick or a knife. And whether it’s soapy water, food particles, or a full on condiment blow-out that you’ve splattered all over the countertops and/or walls, be sure to leave it untouched. It should go without saying that you should never, ever clean up a mess you’ve made in the microwave; it looks really nice when spaghetti sauce and cheese has been baked into a hellish, blackened island of cancer on the bottom of the turning tray. Don’t worry, somebody with OCD will eventually cave in and clean it up, and then put up a passive-aggressive note for you to ignore.
And if there’s some sort of retirement party or something, make it a point to store two gigantic deli trays, a veggie tray, and six different potluck dishes in the fridge for two solid weeks, even though pretty much every will ignore it because it’s already looking pretty gross two days in, and some asshole (probably you) filled a contractor bag full of the best stuff and took it home immediately after the party was over, anyway. This prevents people from being able to adequately store their own packed lunches.
Speaking of retirement parties…
If being awful on low level just isn’t enough for you, you can always join a Quality of Work Life Committee, and find ways to force your coworkers to partake in idiotic activities. Fun should never be spontaneous, and it should always be approached from the mindset of a Sunday school teacher. If you need further validation, you can impress yourself with phrases like “improving worker self-esteem”, “team building exercises”, and so on, because you’re going to need some impressive language skills to sell the fact that you really need to waste half the day voting on who has the best hat on Funny Hat Day.
Now, when you join this committee, you’re going to be the low man on the totem pole, so you’re going to want to come in with some solid ideas to impress your fellow buffoons. Thankfully, there’s no end to the creative ideas you can propose!
People love it when you single out a specific religious ceremony and email blast the entire company with it. Everybody loves Easter, even if they don’t, so suggest something like a basket raffle, and instead of just calling it the Spring Basket Raffle, name the event “A-Tisket-A-Tasket Easter Baskets”. Not only does this effectively alienate any non-Christians in your company, it also fulfills your need to have a cutesy name that will make people want to stab the email server every time you send an update about this (which you should do at least fifteen times between March and April).
Another holiday to be celebrated is Halloween. It is of vital importance that you hold a costume judging contest. There is nothing a mature adult loves more than to get up an hour earlier than usual, put on stage make-up, don a cheaply made off-the-rack costume, and commute to work in it. Now everyone can see what a fully-grown fucktard looks like!
Really, the possibilities are endless. If you’re at a loss for what to do, think of a fun activity, and find a way to make it as bland as possible. Your meter for this is to see how many eye-rolls occur at the event.
Congratulations, you have graduated to a level of misery-induction that includes an entire company. Food thieves are one thing, but this? This is something truly remarkable.