Chatlog Fun: Volume Twenty-One

Tom CashChatlog Fun, HumorLeave a Comment

THOU SHALT NOT COME IN THE NAME OF THE LORD

chastity hat

Me: My little plastic Jesus has all the answers
Me: Plus he’s a bobblehead, so he’s awfully entertaining.
C.B.: oh that’s fuckin badass
Me: if you press him arm back, a little speaker says bible quotes, as read by Charleton Heston
Me: BTW, now that I am a born again Christian, I want you to know that I am an EX-Masturbator, and advocate the same for you and all my other Christian brothers. You and I know that our faith will keep us strong
C.B.: that sounds good
C.B.: more masturbation for me
Me: no, no, you have to stop, too
Me: that’s part of the Program
Me: as laid out for me by Rev. Jeffery Diamond
Me: I need to recruit on activate masturbator a week, and turn him into an EX-Masturbator
Me: after ten successful recruitments, I get a hat!
C.B.: Yeah!
C.B.: A FUCKHAT!
Me: no, no
Me: You’re missing the point
Me: This is a chastity hat


EVERY TOWN NEEDS A SUICIDE PIT

sinkhole

Me: they installed a suicide pit near my house
Me: i was thinking later I might maybe, you know, go in there
C.B.: sorry was eating
Me: np
Me: i thought i might catch you before you went to lunch
Me: it’s not like my message was anything important
C.B.: you’re always important to me
Me: *swoon*


FREESTYLE STUPIDITY

what

C.B.: droppin logs
C.B.: moppin hogs
C.B.: sloppin dogs
Me: stopping pogs
Me: cropping eggnogs
Me: not even making no kinda sense
C.B.: floppin frogs
C.B.: having gay sex
C.B.: oh wait
Me: hahaha
C.B.: dingly
Me: see, now you’re just making shit up
C.B.: sorry
Me: I could agree with all that floppin’ shitr, but dingly?
Me: GET SERIOUS, MAN
C.B.: i know i know
Me: it’s okay, man
Me: it happens to the best of us
Me: so CHIN UP!
Me: tuck those nuts away and rejoin the human race
C.B.: meh
Me: MUGGLEFUCKER
Me: I don’t think you understand how deeply my Beanie Baby obsession runs
C.B.: oh i understand
C.B.: i fucked one this morning
Me: oooh, which one?
C.B.: i like to give them new names
C.B.: the i fucked this morning was called NUT-SLAVE
Me: that’s a good name
C.B.: but i also like Sebastian and Meat
Me: Are those two separate names, or one?
C.B.: uhh one i think
Me: Cool
Me: Sounds like one of those high end toy stores
Me: I put the ‘anal’ back in ‘analogy’
C.B.: your goddamn right you did
Me: That’s how I got my doctorate
Me: I’m a fully fledged anaologist now
Me: analogist


DON’T ACTUALLY DO THIS

eyes

C.B.: nothing cures the cock itch
Me: Grind up broken glass until it’s a fine powder, then inject it into your urethra with a turkey baster. That usually helps.
C.B.: ok i’ll try that
C.B.: sorta like douching with glass
Me: right
C.B.: but this is more like a “cock-gargle”
Me: and the plus side is, you’ll probably have a lot of extra ground glass left over
Me: you can wrap this in leather or cloth and carry it around
Me: if you are attacked by an enemy, quickly throw the glass into his eyes
C.B.: yes, like a kabuki
Me: it will blind him, giving you the upper hand
Me: indeed, only with more blood pouring from the eyes
C.B.: hmmm i like that sound of that
Me: You’re gonna love it when they start screaming, “My eyes! My eyes! Oh my god, I’m blind, you rotten fucking son of a bitch!”
Me: It’s immensely satisfying
C.B.: oh i’m sure
C.B.: i bet it’s a lot like my other favorite: waiting til someone is sleeping soundly and then mercilessly stomping on their eye sockets
C.B.: you usually can only get one or two good stomps in before they move
Me: that’s more blunt force trauma
C.B.: yeah
Me: this is caused by millions of micro lacerations
Me: but you’re on the right vvibe
C.B.: they come up looking like Sloth from the fucking Goonies
Me: hahaha
Me: incidentally, sand will work in place of powdered glass, if you’re in a pinch
C.B.: ahh nice tip
Me: but the glass is much more devastating
Me: kind like the difference between hitting somebody in the kneecap with a hammer, and hitting them with a sledge hammer
Me: with the hammer, the guy has a chance of using his knee again. with the sledgehammer, not so much
C.B.: yeah i see what you’re saying
Me: good
Me: the point is, if you have time to preplan, go with the glass, but if you’re put on the spot, don’t hold out. grab some sand and blind the fucker


QUALITY ENTERTAINMENT

TV_Guide_Logo

Me: Broken dreams and shattered hips abound in the Don Rickles and Mel Osman classic “One Fine Night in the Nursing Home.” Tonight at nine. Closed captioning available. Three stars. (1968)
C.B.: huh.
Me: 7 PM – Shit Stained Sally Meets Frosty the Fuckface; starring Mel Blanc in his first and only on camera role, and co-starring Burnadette Peters, who is cast as a shelf. Two stars. (1981)


About the Author

Tom Cash

Hi! I'm Tom. I am on a journey of constant self-improvement, and I'm thankful that you've chosen to join me. I'd love to hear from you.