Everybody likes grandpas. Even if you don’t like your grandpa because he burned you with cigars or stabbed up a bunch of kids or something, you should probably like the concept of grandpas, because let’s face it: they’re pretty sweet. Without a grandpa, neither one of your parents would have been born, probably, and without them, you wouldn’t be reading this article about grandpas. I think on that merit alone, you can agree that grandpas are a good idea, and something we should all strive to be.
“But Bob,” you might be asking, “how do I become a grandpa?”
I’m glad you asked, word processing software!
Being and grandpa is easy, but it take a little work and time and patience. You can’t wake up one day and say, “Well, now I’m a grandpa.” I mean, you can, but that doesn’t make it real. Unless your child just gave birth to a baby, in which case I guess it’d be real, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
I have put together this handy, step-by-step guide to become a grandpa. It’s going to take some time, so if you decide to print this out, you might want to get it laminated so it doesn’t wear out or anything. I mean, unless you’ve got a really good wall safe or something. Man, do what you want, it’s your life – alls I’m just saying is you might have a problem if you only print one copy and then you lose it five years later and you can’t get to this website because the country’s infrastructure has crumbled and there’s no power or running water and we live in a constant state of fear, our once great nation divided into city states run by petty despots and warlords, while the roads are rife with bandits and probably mutant monsters or something. What are you gonna do then? Yeah, I thought so.
STEP ONE: BECOME A GRANDPA
This step is the most time intensive portion of the whole process, because it takes a long time. Physically, it’s pretty easy, though. First, you gotta become a dad. If you’re already a dad, you can safely skip this step, and if you’re already a grandpa, you really don’t need this article, unless you’re trying to improve your grandpa game, which isn’t a half-bad idea.
Okay, so, if you’re neither a dad nor a grandpa, the thing you’ll need to get started is a boner. Once you’ve got that, you need to meet a lady who is interested in your boner in a sexual way. This is a really important distinction, because if you try to use a boner on a lady who isn’t interested, or is only scientifically interested in your boner, that’s called rape and it’s awful to do that.
So get your sexually-interested-in-your-boner-lady naked and put your boner in her. You probably knows how this works, but if you don’t, keep an eye out for my article on how to use your boner on a lady and other kickass sex moves, which I’ll probably write later. Now you gotta wait. Get used to it, there’s lots of waiting. Within a month to six weeks, your lady should call you up, either screaming or crying, and saying that she missed her periods and she’s pregnant and you better goddamn be willing to pay child support or get married or whatever. She may blame you for not putting the condom on right, but the joke’s on her because you intentionally put the condom on wrong. I forgot to mention that. Put the condom on wrong, or like poke a hole in it.
If all goes well and she’s not too much of a bitch about it, nine months or so after the initial boner incident, you should have a baby. Well, not you, the lady. But by law the baby is partially your property, and you can name it and make it do dishes and scream at it whenever you want.
Now wait at least 13 years. Ideally, you want to wait 18 years, because by then, the baby will be a fully-fledged adult in the eyes of the law, which will makes the whole process of constantly brainwashing them into also having a baby as soon as possible go much more smoothly. Have you ever noticed that every time your mom calls you, she wants to know when you’re gonna have a baby? That’s because she wants your dad to become a grandpa, because if you’re a man, that’s how you really make it in this world.
Anyway, with enough trickery and cohesion and guilt tactics, you’ll probably eventually manage to convince your baby, which is grown up, to have a baby.
Now wait nine more months. I know you’re probably impatient by this point. I mean, you’ve already waited almost twenty years! You might be tempted to force the baby to come out early, but this is a really bad idea. The baby will come out all fucked up and dead and nobody wants that. So be patient, and remember that children are God’s little dumplings, and nobody likes a dumpling that isn’t fully cooked with all its organs intact and properly sealed inside their bodies.
And when the time comes, the baby will be born, and congratulations, you are now a grandpa.
STEP TWO: THINK LIKE A GRANDPA
I’ll bet you thought that you were done, huh? Well, no. I mean, I guess you could stop here, but you’d be a pretty shitty grandpa if you didn’t do grandpa things, too. If you just kept acting like nothing has changed, people would say, “See that guy? He’s a grandpa!” And other people would reply, “But he doesn’t act like a grandpa at all!” And the first person would say, “Yes, he is a poor grandpa, unworthy of the title.” And then the second person would say, “Let’s kill him!”
So if you value your life, you should start acting like a grandpa. And in order to act like a grandpa, you’ve got to think like one.
Let’s practice this, with a series of questions.
ONE: Your grandbaby wants a cookie. What do you do?
- Give it a cookie.
- Give it a shitload of cookies.
- Don’t give it any cookies.
- If you answered A, you’re an okay grandpa.
- If you answered B, you’re well on your way to getting the coveted “WORLD’S BEST GRANDPA” mug.
- If you answered C, you’re a cocksucker.
TWO: You’re at the Grandpa Club and all the other grandpas are showing each other pictures of their grandbabies and bragging about their accomplishments. Which of these would you do you?
- Show pictures and tell them that your grandbaby made the honor role again this year.
- Show them the framed 24″ x 36′ four color print of your grandbaby’s portrait that you carry with you at all times, and tell them that one day, your grandbaby will be powerful enough to buy and sell them all.
- Just show them one picture and complain that the damn kid is a freeloader and smokes to much pot and that you think being nearly forty and still living at home and not having a job is unacceptable and that if you had your way, you’d whip some sense in them.
- If you answered A, nobody’s going to give you any awards, but you will still have the respect of the other grandpas, and that’s nothing to scoff at.
- If you answered B, you’re doing the best grandpa-ing that can be grandpa-ed, because the other grandpas both respect and deeply, deeply fear you.
- If you answered C, you’re a terrible grandpa and you were probably never really there for your grandbaby and you have no idea how much that screwed your grandbaby up.
THREE: You catch your grandbaby smoking cigarettes. How do you react?
- Express concern and disappointment because cigarettes are bad, and then take the cigarettes away.
- Explain that you should be allowed to make your own choices, and experience your own mistakes, because that’s the only way you’ll ever learn, and then stress how unhealthy and dangerous cigarettes are.
- Tape your grandbaby down with duct tape and methodically chain smoke the entire pack, one at a time, and blow smoke into your grandbaby’s eyes. If your grandbaby complains or cries too much, hover the cherry of the cigarette over their arm until the hurt starts to hurt, but never actually burn them.
- If you answered A, you’re an average grandpa.
- If you answered B, you’re pretty cool and modern, and I wish I had you as a grandpa.
- If you answered C, I hate you and I wish you would have died from that fucking heart attack, you stupid bastard.
By now, you should be seeing a pattern. Thinking like a grandpa means protecting them from harm without being over-protective, being very generous when it comes to gifts, and nurturing your child’s self-esteem, thus enabling them to know true power and glory. It also means not being a fucking dick.
STEP THREE: YOU’RE PRETTY MUCH DONE
I guess I could have named this article How to be a Grandpa in Two Easy Steps, but I pretty much committed to the title before I started writing it, and there’s no way in HELL I’m going back and changing things. My English teacher in high school said you should do multiple drafts, but he also wore sweatervests and a fedora and he said that Finnegan’s Wake was one of his favorite novels and that book was bullshit. So fuck him and fuck rewriting things. It’s not like I’m gonna change my mind about what I wrote. Once I’ve made a decision, I’ll defend it no matter what “facts” you throw at me!