The Roommate Quiz

Bob KowchanskiBlog Posts, HumorLeave a Comment

Do you have a problem roommate? If you do, chances are, you’ve not sure how to deal with it. Thankfully, I have written this handy quiz. Read each question below and choose your favorite answer.


messy roommate

Your roommate never does their share of the chores. They leave pizza boxes piled up, they don’t do the dishes, and they leave their laundry on the floor of the living room.

  1. Clean up the mess yourself.
  2. Calmly explain your concerns and suggest a solution, such as a chore chart. Offer to help out with the chores, swapping days.
  3. Dump all the pizza boxes on their bed, throw their dishes away, and burn their clothes.

eating with mouth open

Your roommate eats with his mouth open constantly, and it sounds like a dog eating peanut butter mixed with crackers.

  1. Wear earplugs when they eat.
  2. Tactfully broach the subject, and ask that they be more conscious of their eating habits and how it affects you. It’s possible they don’t even know they’re doing it, and while they might be embarrassed, you’re actually doing the a favor.
  3. Put ghost peppers in all their food and laugh when they choke and cry and throw up.

wedding rings

Your roommate has recently gotten engaged. All he ever does is talk about her and her stupid master’s degree program and how he can’t wait to move out and get away from him.

  1. Take solace in knowing that he’ll be gone soon.
  2. Tell him that you’re happy for him, and that you feel that the both of you will be happier when you finally part ways.
  3. Seduce his fiancé and send him video of it, blurring out your face.


Your roommate makes all these nasty little grunting noises, like he’s in pain. Sometimes they’re quiet, but still kinda gross. Other times, it sounds like he’s having an orgasm.

  1. Just try to ignore it.
  2. Leave the room. There’s no point in confronting him about it, as nothing good will come of it, and it will only hurt his feelings.
  3. Kick him really hard in the kneecap while he’s stretching and grunting.

Your roommate mispronounces the word literally, and he uses that word all the time.

  1. Mutter the correct pronunciation to yourself whenever he says it.
  2. Correct him in a tactful way.
  3. Wait until he falls asleep on the couch and then scream the correct pronunciation into his ear.

Your roommate has this weird nervous laugh, and it’s usually in response to things that aren’t even funny.

  1. Roll your eyes, but make sure he doesn’t see him doing it.
  2. Laugh with him. He probably has some social anxiety issues and the laugh is a way of dealing with his self-esteem issues.
  3. Loudly and openly mock his laugh.

socks cut in half

Your roommate is always cutting your socks in half. What do you do?

  1. Buy more socks.
  2. Confront them about the issue, and firmly state that your belongings are off limits, and that what they are doing is wrong.
  3. Throw him down a flight of steps.

broken bong

Your roommate intentionally broke your bong in half one day, pretty much for no reason at all.

  1. Buy a new bong, and let it go.
  2. Ask what you did to set him off. Apologize and offer to make reparations, and humbly request that he replace the bong.
  3. Break off a sharp piece of the bong and stab him in the neck with it.

Mostly A’s – You’re a fucking pussy

Mostly B’s – Yeah, we get it, you’re a reasonable person. Get off your high horse, this guy is a huge dick.

Mostly C’s – Sounds like you’ve got this figured out. Extraordinary circumstances call for extraordinary acts of violence.

About the Author

Bob Kowchanski

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There's an old saying that goes, "If it doesn't make sense, write it down. If it still doesn't make seance, crumple it up and eat it." I know it's old because I invented it myself in 6th grade, and I stand by it to this very day. I don't know what else to put here. I think my posts speak for themselves, so read those, instead. Email me at