Chatlog Fun: Volume Twenty

Tom CashChatlog Fun, HumorLeave a Comment

BEEEEES!

bees

Me: My ballsack hurts because I filled it with bees
C.B.: hahaha
Me: now it’s a beesack
C.B.: that really made me laugh for some reason


OUCH

broken head

Me: I broke my head with a hammer on purpose
C.B.: s n a p
Me: yeah, pretty much
Me: i found my forehead, finally
C.B.: that’s a a relief
C.B.: relief
Me: i’m concerned about the back of my head though
Me: the hair there appears to be thinning
C.B.: meh thats no biggie
C.B.: just keep hitting it til hair grows
Me: I took some hair from another part of my head and pushed it through the holes
Me: but I’m worried the issue may return


THANKS FOR NOTHING

guidance counsellor

Me: today is national guidance councillor day. go visit your local school’s guidance councillor and give him some vague and ultimately useless advice about his future.
C.B.: lol
C.B.: yeah that was a worthless fucking job
Me: it’s funny
C.B.: i don’t know anyone who says their guidance councilor did anything at all for them
Me: here is a person who is tasked with giving young people meaningful advice regarding their future career, while they themselves hold one of the most useless jobs imaginable


SICK RHYMES

Me: feelin’ rapey
C.B.: professa snapey
Me: da potions masta
C.B.: da ass blasta make you go fasta
C.B.: drinkin some shasta
Me: cuz! he’s! harry! da POTTA! Nobody’s hotta
Me: rhymes with slaughta
Me: gonna stick his wand up ya daughta
C.B.: turn her insides into glitter
Me: don’t teeter totter cuz when you seein the car you wanna run far, get away, gotta run
C.B.: like a nun with a stun gun
Me: fun fun fun
C.B.: fishlung


HAVE A BANANER WHILE YER WAITIN’ FER WINDERS VISTER TA INSTALL

John Madden

Me: My coworker continually cracks me up if I’m in a good mood, or pisses me off if I’m in a bad mood
Me: he’s so one-dimenional
Me: dimensioal
Me: and his “british” accent makes me lol
Me: Today he pronounced Vista as “Vister”
C.B.: who the fuck is this guy
Me: just a dude I work with
Me: I think I’m going to bring a recorder of some kind in, and capture some audio, so people can really appriciate him
Me: like maybe I’ll record an entire shift’s workt (or week’s worth) or him, and then edit it down to his most repeated phrases, annoying laughs and absurd self-references
C.B.: haha
Me: He drives me bananners
Me: “Inter”, instead of “into”
Me: I know you don’t care, but it never stops amazing me
C.B.: where is he from?
Me: Pennsylvania
Me: but I’ve never known another PA resident to talk quite like him
Me: it’s a lazy sort of a slurring
Me: but not drunken or uneducated
Me: just kind of careless
Me: I always obsess over coworker’s speech impediments
Me: my last job, there was this kid named Chad
Me: I say kid because he reminded me of somebody five to ten years younger than I
Me: but he was actually older than me by a year
Me: anyway, he had this thing where he pronounced the number “seven” as “suv-ven”
Me: and it became an obsession of mine
Me: because in any given dat, he would say it, by necessity, hundreds of times
Me: My wife’s late grandma used to used the word “Why” as a exclamation
Me: So she’d be like, “And George, why, he was a writer for the New York Times in 1949, and, why, he would tell us about all sorts of interesting things.”
Me: so I found myself zoning out of the convo
Me: and focusing on how often she’d say the word
Me: I’m weird, I guess
C.B.: lol
C.B.: suven is just stupid
C.B.: why! is old school
Me: yeah
Me: I noticed it because it’s not used often
Me: but the suven thing
Me: god that used to fill me with rage
C.B.: my dad’s mom does the WHY! thing
C.B.: and my dad kinda has his own but it’s more like a WELL!
C.B.: but all sarcastic sounding
Me: hahah
C.B.: “And this guy, WELL, he was just brainless” etc
Me: My grandpa, the one who died recently, usd to say “Damn it, anyway!” when he got pissed
C.B.: haha
Me: I wish I could convey the way it’s pronounced, that’s half of what makes it funny
Me: it’s said the way you’d say, “fine, be that way”
Me: I sort of take it as having been a colloquialism of “you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t”, only what you;d say after the fact, as if to say, “see? i told you I was damned, anyway”
Me: fairly elegant in its simplicity
Me: but I was wrong. but on his death bed, he told me that it really meant, “I will never reveal the Wu Tang secret”
C.B.: hahahaha
Me: Yeah, so gramps was down with ODB
Me: it just now occurred to me that while my current coworker mispronounced Windows Vister (oddly enough, its not Winders Vister), the previous one would be saying Windows Suven right now
C.B.: hahaha
Me: but as it is, I practically work with the American version of Hagrid
Me: Wotcher, ‘Arry, yer a wizzerd.
Me: Let me talk to you as he would talk to you, for just a moment
Me: “Yehsee thass essackly what I’m saying to yer. Windows Vister is junk! (forced, painful sounding bark-like laughter)
Me: And thass why I all-wees use Windows Seven! (forced chuckle) Itsa better operaiding system overall, alls you have to do is isstall the program like normal and there it is all done. Much better.
Me: imagine that being said by an always smug John Madden

About the Author

Tom Cash

Hi! I’m Tom. I am on a journey of constant self-improvement, and I’m thankful that you’ve chosen to join me. I’d love to hear from you.