MAN, LOOK AT THE RECTAL UNIT ON HER!
C.B.: my dangle is at the wrong angle
Me: is broken
Me: I was going to do this thing where I look at you and when our eyes meet, I kind of grunt and expand to about 1.75 times my normal size, and then my eyes vibrate, and then I slowly shrink back to normal, but I couldn’t figure out how to do that in emoticon form, so nevermind
C.B.: yeah that’s the tough thing about online chat
Me: never having the freedom to truly express oneself?
C.B.: exactly man
C.B.: in fact, i’m crying right now
C.B.: and you don’t even know
Me: these tears you’re crying – are they tears of joy or sadness?
Me: or indigestion?
C.B.: brown tears
C.B.: from my rectum
Me: oh, you ate at taco bell didn’t you
C.B.: i think it would be cool if pornos started calling it “rectal sex”
C.B.: instead of anal sex
C.B.: does she do rectal?
Me: rectal whores vol 8
Me: then you could do a joke title, like “Nearly Killed ‘Em – The Donny Francisco Story”
Me: I think that a good change of pace in mainstream porno would be to adopt an entirely clinical nomenclature, both in terms of titles, and dialogue
Me: “Yes, massage my labia majora!”
Me: “OH SWEET MERCY, I’M ABOUT EJACULATE SEMEN OUT OF MY PENIS, PLEASE TURN AROUND SO THAT I CAN DO THAT ALL OVER YOUR MAMMARY GLANDS!”
Me: On the other hand, I’d would love to watch a porno with dialogue like, “Lick my skin goblin!”
I GOT HORSELEGS, AND YOU CAN TOO!
C.B.: SHE GOT HORSELEGS
Me: my god, she does
Me: well, after all these years, your dream will finally become a reality
Me: soon, you really WILL have horse legs
C.B.: i know this shit is mind blowing
Me: somehow i think this will only cause you to say that phrase more. only instead of saying it idly, you’ll be saying triumphantly, as you storm past at 20 mph in your electric horse legs
Me: I would think that if you were to own and wear a pair of horse legs, it would be almost criminal to wear a shirt at the same time
Me: it seems almost mandatory that’d have to be shirtless
Me: and maybe have a really awesome beard
C.B.: and maybe like a boat oar strapped across your back
Me: yeah, SOMETHING strapped across it, just for the aesthetic
Me: i was thinking a rifle or something, but a boat oar would work
C.B.: maybe just a log
Me: would you let your hair grow long, so it rests on your shoulders? I would
C.B.: i think it would be funny to maybe have a horse head, too
C.B.: but have the head made up like a clown
C.B.: like a clown-horse
C.B.: big red horse lips and cartoony eyes painted in bad make up
C.B.: with a curly red wig, etc
Me: i can’t think of the the term “clown-horse” without laughing
C.B.: yeah i cracked up thinking about it
Me: CLOWN HORSE
C.B.: hell ya
Me: Hey boy! Git the hell away from that thing!
C.B.: HOLY SHIT!
C.B.: spring loaded cocknballs
Me: sexy AND dangerous
C.B.: yeah dude
C.B.: those aren’t veins
C.B.: those are springs
C.B.: delivers something like 300psi
Me: yep. your girl will need to upgrade to the kevlar lined vagina if she doesn’t want to suffer permanent injury
C.B.: that takes the fun out of it though
Me: well, I was only thinking in terms of best economic practice
Me: it’s impractical to replace your woman every three weeks because you’ve completely blown out her crotch with your springdick
C.B.: it’s kinda like a confetti cannon
Me: yogurt cannon
AND IT’S HANGIN’ FROM A PIGEON WING
Me: the immajcuately well-preserved zombie of Nikoli Tesla mouth raped me in a public restroom
C.B.: that’s wonderful
C.B.: you lucky motherfucker
Me: i know!
Me: he was so charming, kept talking about some idea he had for free energy, but most of it didn’t make sense to me
C.B.: then he inserted his cold, wrinkled penis, made hard by rigor mortis, into your mouth
C.B.: it was like a frozen turkey neck
C.B.: i just disgusted myself =/
Me: haha, wow, you’ve outdone yourself
I HAVE AN IMPORTANT JOB AND I AM IMPORTANT
Me: You may notice, when you go to use the bathroom here, that’s it’s extremely clean and organized. That because I clean it every day. ME. EVERY DAY.
Me: Not trying to brag, you understand, you I want to make sure you know that around here, I’m kind of a big deal.
Me: play your cards right, I could even get you in
Me: a few years, you could shoot all the way up the ladder to senior executive waste management
Me: that’s three weeks of paid holidays, buddy. not two, THREE
Me: and your own parking spot near the back of lot one
Me: you have to come in at like 5AM to get a spot in lot one
Me: not me!
Me: and next month, I get a new mop
Me: been needing one, the one I got now is lousy with splinters
Me: ah shit, I gotta go, somebody flushed a bunch of crayons by the south entrance
Me: False alarm! It wasn’t crayons at all, a circus clown had taken a shit in that bathroom and didn’t flush.
Me: it was pretty colorful