My Favorite TV Puppets – Vol 1: The Presidents

Bob KowchanskiBlog Posts, HumorLeave a Comment

Today is a very special year because we’ve got all these presidents trying to be the main president and win a trip to the White Hour.  I love it, because there’s so many funny memes and it’s just endless fun for everybody expect all those people who get all racial or become dicks about it, but they’re stupid anyway.  The point is, the presidents are interesting to look at, it’s nice to watch them argue on TV, and one of them is going to win and give us four years of entertainment.  No matter what happens, we win!

JUB BUSH

Jub Bush reminds me of this kid I knew in school named Chad. Chad was scared of everything and he was really weird. I remember one time we were in art class making self portraits and he just did the whole thing in black crayon; like the whole page was just solid black. That was in, like third grade, maybe?

Anyway, he used to get really upset, and his whole face would turn red and he would start muttering, and he would do anything. One time during indoor recess I threw him into one of those wheeled carts you put basketballs into, and pushed him around and he was screaming and flailing and I got in a lot of trouble.

giphy

Seriously, he looks so much like him, and he makes faces like him, and he talks like him. It kind of blows my mind.

Anyways, aside from that, and the fact that he has a Star Wars name almost, I like Jub because he’s such a sad man.

You just gotta feel sorry for a guy like that.

DONALD TRUMPET

donald trump photoshop

Of all my favorite TV Puppets, Donald Trumpet is my favorite, because he is loud and funny and his hair is like the lovely ginger feathers of a delightful bird or maybe what you’d get if Fozzie Bear grew his hair real long and then you left him in a dryer for three whole days.

I seen a lot of pictures of him on the internet where he has no nose, so I gotta wonder? How do the do it? How do they Photoshop him a nose for his TV appearances when he doesn’t have one? I know some people who say they seen him perform live, but they could be trying to trick me, because people do that all the damn time!

donald trump no nose gif jeremiah warren

How does he live without a nose, though? Whenever my nose gets all cloggy when I get a cold, my voice gets all weird, and Donald Trumpet’s voice sounds loud and clear to me, so is he like Professor Voldemort or what? It’s such a mystery!

voldemort with trump hair

If I ever met him, I would shake his hand and say, “I don’t care what the all those people say and I don’t even mind that you don’t have a nose – I think it looks distinctive! I would love to have you as a president and also as a dad.” And if he let me, I would hug him.

But if I meet him, and he turns out to have a nose, like he was wearing some kind of makeup to hide it, I’ll punch him right in the mouth over and over again because I can’t be held accountable for what I do when people lie to me right in my face.

donald trump photoshop

This what he’d look like after I punched him a lotta buncha times.

HILLARY CLIFTON

Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clifton is the scariest lady in the world, and who doesn’t love to be scared every now and then?  Lookit how scary she is:

Hillary Clinton
People say that Hillary Clinton is dangerous and that she hid her emails, but how bad she can be, when she supports the gays with her clothing?

Hillary Clinton

She seems like a pretty good joker, too!  Or maybe she’s sharting in this next picture, I don’t know.

Hillary ClintonWill she be elected?  Even she can’t make up her mind:

Hillary Clinton

TODD CRUISE

Ted Cruz

I have a lot of trouble believing that Todd Cruise is related to Tom Cruise, but sometimes brothers can look way different. My brother and I look way different, too. But neither of us look like this guy.

Ted Cruz

Really, Todd Cruise is kinda gross, you know? Like, I don’t know what they made his puppet meats out of, like ham or something, but it’s just not right. He looks sick all the time.

Ted Cruz

He also looks like he’s got some car keys in his butt. He looks angry and butthurt like he’s going to cry or ask to speak to your manager and get you in trouble because you forgot to change the sign for the toilet paper that’s on sale like what happened to me last week at the Redner’s, and I got wrote up for that so fuck Todd Cruise.

Ted Cruz

It’s not funny, you fuckface, I’m still on my probation work. And also with the police.

BERT SANDERS

Bernie Sanders

Bert Sanders is old. Really old. He reminds me of my neighbor who’s also yelling at people for using the sidewalk in front of his house.

Bernie Sanders

Like, dude, that sidewalk is public property. Get the fuck out of here with your cane!

Bernie Sanders

Oh man, did you shit your pants again? Gross.

I mean, I can relate, but still…

Bernie Sanders

It’s okay, man, don’t be embarrassed.

Bernie Sanders

Oh man, you’re like that Doug Knutts guy who got his asshole finger-raped, huh? Man, no wonder you’re shitting your pants. Plus, you’re all old and your butt muscles are weak now.

Bernie Sanders

Aww, don’t cry! Come on, bring it in. I understand why you’re so angry now. Dude… you wanna do some bong hits?

Yeaaaah! You’re one cool old dude. I’ll totally vote for you!

About the Author

Bob Kowchanski

Facebook Twitter

There's an old saying that goes, "If it doesn't make sense, write it down. If it still doesn't make seance, crumple it up and eat it." I know it's old because I invented it myself in 6th grade, and I stand by it to this very day. I don't know what else to put here. I think my posts speak for themselves, so read those, instead. Email me at kowchanfiftyslick@gmail.com.