EDITOR’S NOTE: This article contains some seriously nasty pictures. I tried to talk Bob out of using the images he selected, but he was adamant about each and every one of them, stating that, “Sometimes in order to start an open dialogue, you need to shock people.” I’m not sure that there needs to be an open dialogue about pooping, but he refused to bend on the subject.
I’m not kidding when I say that I gagged multiple times while editing this article. I do not recommend you read it within an hour of eating (before or after).
Think about pooping for a minute.
No, I mean, really think about it.
I know, I know… “Why are you making me think about poop, Bob?” I get that all the time; people are always second guessing my judgments or questioning my decisions, as if it were their life and not mine! “Why did you drink all that floor wax, Bob?” “Why did you steal my shoes and fill them with thumb tacks, Bob?” “Why are you naked in public again, Bob?”
The answers to those questions are, in order, “It was delicious,” “I didn’t steal them, they looked like my old shoes, and I needed to put the thumbtacks SOMEWHERE,” and, “Mushrooms make clothing seem really constrictive and I needed a bath anyway, and the public fountain seemed as good a place as any.”
Not that I need to explain myself to YOU, dad!
First, I would like to give you some advice about pooping. A big mistake a beginner can make is to poop too early. When the poop feeling starts, you might be tempted to rush off to the bathroom right then and there, but this is a bad idea and will lead to lots of grunting and screaming and swearing and hemorrhoids as well so don’t make an amateur move such as that.
The true poop expert, such as me, knows that you’ve got to let the poop mature and become ripe before it can be properly pooped. Usually this will only take about fifteen to twenty minutes from the initial poop urge, so stand ready and watchful, and don’t start on a long trip or anything. You will know the time is right when you are suddenly stricken with an urgent, undeniable desire to poop.
This is not just a striking of one’s fancy, as in, “I sure could go for a good poop right about now!” No, this is a serious, “I’m going to poop in exactly thirty seconds whether I’m on the toilet or not,” kind of thing. This is when action is not only recommended, but necessary. Follow this rule, and all your poops will be quick, smooth, and immensely satisfying.
Of course, this is a problem if you’re at work or in a public place, because that means you have to use a public toilet. Those stalls are the worst, especially when they skimp on the size of the bathroom, and your knees are touching the walls, and your balls are squished together between your thighs and when you pee, you gotta push your dick down or you’ll spray it all over your pants and then you gotta pack them full of toilet paper or end up with a wet butt all day, and nobody likes that.
And if that wasn’t bad enough, you gotta deal with other people. Would you poop next to somebody who is also pooping, so close that your elbows could easily touch? No? Then why does a half an inch of cheap aluminum separating you both in a public restroom make it okay?
The worst is when the other guy grunts. Or they have really sloppy sick poops and it sounds like chili being dropped into a well. They should at least apologize! They should say, “Hey, man, listen. I’m really sorry, but my bowels are full of something like pudding mixed with cottage cheese, and it’s just coming out of me like a firehose, and I know it smells like I killed a guy and stuffed him up in there, but I can’t help it!” I would respect that, and even given them an Imodium, because you gotta look out for your fellow poopers, you know? And hey, a courtesy flush isn’t the law – yet! – but it’s the right thing to do. Look inside yourself with a Maglite and you’ll see that it’s true. What you’ve got up in there isn’t for sharing.
Of course, sometimes the toilets you find in these places are a little crazy, and when you flush, the water goes crazy and blasts up and – you guessed it – wet butt.
Since we’re talking about bad places to poop, I might as well list the top four.
#4 – A BAR TOILET
The biggest problems with bar toilets is that you’ve got drunk people pissing all over everything, and puking in the sinks, the urinals, and the bowl. Of course, you’re drunk, too, which means you’re more likely to touch some of that stuff. Possibly with your mouth.
# 3 – A REST STOP BATHROOM
Nothing ruins a trip worse than going into a bathroom and finding drifters sleeping on the floor. A lot of people I talk to said this has never happened to them, so I guess I must be unlucky, because it happens to me almost every time!
#2 – A GAS STATION BATHROOM
At least rest stop bathrooms are clean, usually, and while you’re less likely to find sleeping people in a gas station people, that’s only because these bathrooms are not inhabitable. Cockroaches don’t even go in there. Flies only go in there if there isn’t any decent roadkill nearby. Vagrant would sooner die of exposure than sleep in a place like this.
And you’re about to put your butt down on something in there and let that water splash up on you, tainting you forever.
# 1 – PORTA POTTIES
True story: some married friends of mine invited me to a wine and reggae festival a few years ago. It was a pretty fun time, lots of good music, and everybody was drinking wine and eating cheese, and having a great time.
Until they went to the bathroom.
Every single porta potty was filled all the way to the top, and it reeked of cheese-and-wine vomit. It was utterly hellish, and I really had to drop a deuce, so I ended up going in the woods, and I didn’t have any toilet paper, so I wiped with some leaves, and they turned out to be poison ivy. It wasn’t a very good time. Fuck wine.