Chatlog Fun: Volume Thirteen

Tom CashChatlog Fun, HumorLeave a Comment

DELICIOUS BUTTER

P.M.: WOAH BLACK BETTY Bamp a lamp
Me: BLACK BETTY HAD A CHILDE
Me: THE DAMN THING HATH GOTH WILDE
P.M.: Goth?
P.M.: Not in bimingham, alabam
Me: GONETH
P.M.: that still sounds goth
Me: EATETH OUTETH MINE BUTTETH
P.M.: I hast goneth to thine east
P.M.: TO WRASSLE A LARGE BUTTER BEAST


NIGHTLY ORGIES AT THE OLD FOLK’S HOME

H.B.: unless you win the lottery (lol) or are born into a different line that isn’t part of the machine, you’re stuck
H.B.: and if you don’t work every day, you starve
H.B.: if you don’t follow the rules, you’ll get a bad mark and no one will hire you
H.B.: and you starve
H.B.: doesn’t matter if you’re good at what you do
Me: the lottery is part of the controlling mechanism, but I’m okay with it because it’s an object lesson in how little people understand statistics, and it benefits elderly citizens
H.B.: yeah
H.B.: I just use it as a vehicle to get rid of dollar bills when I actually have physical cash in my wallet
Me: BECAUSE IF SOMEBODY IS GOING TO FUCK THE ELDERLY, IT’S GONNA BE ME, PERSONALLY.
Me: NOT SOME SOULLESS GOVERNMENT ENTITY’S FAILURE TO HAVE ENOUGH BINGO NIGHTS AND RAFFLES.
Me: NOT MY GRANDMA, MISTER GOVERNMENT SUIT, NO WAY

old man with old ladies

Me: Look at that guy, that dude is a PIMP
Me: Bad bitches
Me: Perfect teeth
Me: that kind of dental work isn’t cheap
Me: I’ll bet they call him Captain
Me: the one on the far right was giving him a handie when this picture was taken
Me: he’s clearly fingerbanging


THIS WILL PROBABLY OFFEND SOMEBODY, BUT THAT’S PRETTY MUCH INEVITABLE THESE DAYS

M.P.: Where’s the podcast
M.P.: There’s a front page?
Me: Agh
Me: I was sick for awhile, and I’ve way behind
Me: yours is edited and ready to go
Me: I still need to finish C.B.’s
Me: and then the other two I recorded
Me: I HAVE FAILED YOU
M.P.: You have >:(
M.P.:

dumbledore guuuuuurl
Me: Naturally I must now commit seppuku. I’m afraid this will further impact my ability to finish editing the podcasts.
Me: I have dishonored my podcast
M.P.: Perform seppuku while conducting a podcast with dr kevorkian
Me: Isn’t he dead?
Me: because that’s gonna complicate things a bit
Me: I mean, I can work around it, probably
M.P.: Oujia board
Me: Okay, I got it
Me: I commit suicide, contact Dr. Kevorkian, and then YOU use an Ouija board to contact both of us!
Me: it’s a perfect plan
Me: we can use one of those text to voice things
M.P.: Sounds perfect I can’t wait to begin
Me: Okay, I’ll start sharpening up my katana immediately
Me: and I’ll need to make sure my ancestors are all properly prayed to, in accord with my deeply held Shinto beliefs


I NEED TO EXFOLIATE!
Ted Kennedy

SO ITCHY

Me: Sorry, I was AFK
P.M.: Allen Fitzgerald Kennedy?
Me: Yes
P.M.: haha
Me: It was vaguely uncomfortable
P.M.: not sure I follow
Me: Being another person
Me: In particular, a Kennedy
Me: It was kind of itchy


AN ORIGINAL IDEA AT LAST!
anthony weiner

“You forgot to sign it, Anthony.”

C.B.: i’m thinking of taking a picture of my cock and putting on the internet
Me: yeah?
C.B.: yeah i don’t know if it’s ever been done before
Me: no way
Me: I’d have heard about it
Me: you should try writing something on it
Me: maybe the name of some girl you’ve been stalking online
Me: that’d be really classy, I think


About the Author

Tom Cash

Hi! I’m Tom. I am on a journey of constant self-improvement, and I’m thankful that you’ve chosen to join me. I’d love to hear from you.