A few weeks ago, I shared a collection of chatlogs from an old, recently absent, friend whose chat sessions were nothing short of comedic genius. He has a gift for random quips that many try to emulate, but few can pull off without sounding pretentious.
THE PRICE IS WRONG. SO VERY WRONG.
Me: Bob Barker is dead, too
Me: He’s got strings on his limbs
Me: and a team of puppeteers
M.S.: he’s not an android though, but a golem of animated sand and dead skin
M.S.: he can cast level 5 curse of ruin
AT LEAST IT’S NOT THE NACHO CHEESE FLAVOR
M.S.: I “guess” I could say I dropped a bag of coke in the baby blood bag
M.S.: and pass it off as that
Me: or freebase it and sell that
Me: get a centrifuge and separate the blood from the drug
M.S.: last time I did that 6 demons and bill murray flew out of the centrifuge
Me: Bill Murray?
Me: I’ll be damned
M.S.: proton pack already firing too
M.S.: fucked up my walls
Me: young bill murray or present day bill murray?
M.S.: well there was a time flux so it was both at once
M.S.: he smelled like ranch doritos for some reason
NOT TODAY MOTHERFUCKER!!
M.S.: my friend told me a funny scene he’d like to see in a movie
M.S.: you’re viewing the horizon from high up
M.S.: below you is a forest covered in mist
M.S.: from offscreen this UFO floats across the screen really slow over the forest
M.S.: and a T-REX’s head is poking out of the top
M.S.: like he’s driving it
M.S.: some guy is involved in a shootout during a high speed chase, and he’s shooting out the window
M.S.: he’s got a soda in one hand, and a cigarette too
M.S.: he’s trying to balance it all and not crash
M.S.: and shoot out the window
Me: the soda part is what makes it hilarious
Me: like he refuses to put it down because he’s really, really thirtsy
Me: can I chase him on a motorcycle
M.S.: yes, but you need to wear a helvemt that says “FRIENDS” on it with flowers and shit
M.S.: and a tattoo of a taco on your chest
Me: which implies that I wouldn’t be wearing a shirt
M.S.: who’s says you’re wearing anything other than the happy helmet
Me: which means I’d also have to be wearing pink bicycle shorts and flip flops
M.S.: a fursuit
PS: If you didn’t get the “not today motherfucker” reference, you need to click here right now.
M.S.: help me solve a mystery
M.S.: I was at work
M.S.: went into the bathroom
M.S.: found a toilet with a deuce in it
M.S.: but no toilet paper
M.S.: I refuse to believe there’s a fatass there that doesn’t wipe
M.S.: so wtf
Me: maybe he used a sock