NOTE: This is mostly satire. My outlook isn’t actually as dark as I make it out to be, and I’m finding myself starting to straying away from nihilism slightly. I wrote this a couple weeks prior to the date of publication. I still like it though.
I never chose to be born. I was yanked kicking and screaming from the Void, and eventually I will return to the Void. As a nihilist, I find this strangely comforting. The idea of eternal life scares the living shit out of me, and heaven sounds like a nightmare, because other people will be there. No thanks. I prefer me a little oblivion, baby.
Sure, it seems a little sad, and some of you are probably wondering how I can find any joy in life with that kind of outlook. If so, you just, like, don’t get nihilism, man.
In the meantime, I’m a fucking life addict. Or maybe I should say that I’m an oxygen addict; I’ve tried going cold turkey, but the most I’ve ever managed is about a minute and a half, before I cave in and start breathing again.
Also, I’m a little miffed about this whole aging thing. It’s bullshit. I never agreed to have my body start to fall apart just around the time that I finally started enjoying life.
All I’m saying is that I would have liked a little warning before I agreed to manifest into reality. So I’ve made a little legal document which you can give to your unborn child, so that they know the score. Please note that a hand print will serve as a signature for the purposes of this document.
End-User Life Agreement (“Agreement”)
Last updated: The Beginning of Time
Please read this End-User Life Agreement (“Agreement”) carefully before signing below.
By signing this document, you are agreeing to be bound by the terms and conditions of this Agreement.
If you do not agree to the terms of this Agreement, do not sign this document, and do not undergo the formality of manifesting into a physical body.
The Universe grants you a revocable, nonexclusive, nontransferable, limited license to breathe, eat, sleep, procreate, and die, solely for your personal, noncommercial purposes strictly in accordance with the terms of this Agreement.
As a registered user of Life, you agree to the following:
- In most cases, you will be absolutely clueless until roughly the age of 25 years, at which time your brain will fully mature. Your intelligence is not a factor in this.
- You will begin to have a clue around 25, but will not truly know who you are until the age of 30 – 35 years.
- By the time you have figured out who you are, you will begin to age rapidly. Your body will become weaker, slower, and more easily exhausted.
- You will be required to work for your survival, until approximately the age of 65, at which time you will be too old to properly enjoy your new found freedom.
- Statistically, you will die confused and scared and alone.
- The Universe offers no guarentees of post-life survival. This information is considered propriatary and will not be divulged until after termination of Life.
Modifications to Life
The Universe reserves the right to modify, suspend or discontinue, temporarily or permanently, your Life or any service to which it connects, with or without notice and without liability to you.
Term and Termination
This Agreement shall remain in effect until terminated by you or The Universe.
The Universe may, in its sole discretion, at any time and for any or no reason, suspend or terminate this Agreement with or without prior notice.
This Agreement will terminate immediately, without prior notice from The Universe, in the event that you fail to comply with any provision of this Agreement. You may also terminate this Agreement by committing suicide, however doing so may void the Warranty; The Universe cannot be held responsible for any damages sustained through such an act.
Upon termination of this Life, you shall cease all physical existence, and return to the Void. Your component molecules will be reused by The Universe to produce other forms of Life.
If any provision of this Agreement is held to be unenforceable or invalid, such provision will be changed and interpreted to accomplish the objectives of such provision to the greatest extent possible under applicable law and the remaining provisions will continue in full force and effect.
Amendments to this Agreement
The Universe reserves the right, at its sole discretion, to modify or replace this Agreement at any time. If a revision is material we will provide at least 30,000 years notice prior to any new terms taking effect. What constitutes a material change will be determined at our sole discretion.