In this glorious new age of social justice and tolerance, people are more and more enabled to truly be themselves, and to stand up for the rights they deserve. Every day we see Neo-Feminists verbally assaulting men, Men’s Rights Activists slandering women, overzealous trans people treating anyone who is CIS gendered as if they were horrible monsters, and anybody who isn’t white claiming to be a person of color, thus implying that white people are devoid of color. This is real progress, people, and it is truly a great time to be alive!
But there is a serious issue which continues to go unaddressed, and that, my good friends, is penile rights!
You see, the penis is the most important aspect of a man’s existence. Never mind strength of character, morality, intelligence, fitness, health, wisdom, or grace; the true measure of a man – pun intended – is the length and girth of his penis. In any given disagreement, the long-standing tradition has been for men to lay their penises out on a table, and whomever’s penis is the most impressive is declared the winner, and is given a special hat to wear. That’s the way it’s always been, ask any man.
But despite this, there remains a stigma to the penis. The penis is considered a dirty thing, something to be hidden. Why is it that a woman can walk down a busy street with her drooping beef curtains swaying gently in the breeze, and nobody bats an eye? But when a man walks down the street with his penis showing, he is immediately arrested and convicted as a sex criminal! This is outrageous, and it must be stopped!
This is why I, as the founder and sole member of the International Association for the Advocacy of Penile Rights (I.A.A.P.R.), am asking for your help! In addition to an upcoming Kickstarter, I will need you, my fellow penis-owners and their allies, to speak out! Write to your legislators today (I will provide a sample letter at the bottom of this article), and tell them that you demand better penile rights! Share this article on social media! Hand out flyers! Begin a petition in your community! The only way this movement can get any traction is with your support!
My proposed platform for social penile justice is as follows:
- Educate the public on matters of penile injustice.
- Develop a program to educate women on the devastating effect of belittling men for having a small penis.
- Create and disseminate a children’s rainy day activity book which gently educates them on penile justice; I would like to call this “It’s Not the Size of the Boat, It’s the Motion of the Ocean.”
- Decriminalize non-sexual exposure on the penis in public spaces.
Public statues of penises, in order to balance out the many, many statues of vaginas that can be found in every major city in the world.
- Provide tax relief for the purchase of items such as penis pumps, enlargement pills, and enlargement surgery.
- Crack down on penis enlargement scams, to ensure that consumers are buying quality products.
- A prime time television show called, “PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS MY PENIS PENIS PENIS!!!”
- Penile suffrage; if a vagina is allowed a vote, so then should a penis be allowed to vote.
The bottom line, friends, is that now is the time to step up, penis in hand, and vigorously demand that your penis, and the penises of your friends and family, be taken seriously! Let’s stop the hate!
Thank you for taking the time to read this. Below, you will find a form letter that you can use to voice your concerns to your local legislators.
Dear [LEGISLATOR],I am writing to you today to expression my passion for the human penis, and my desire have better penile rights. Did you know that 1 out of every 3 penises is shamed or disrespected on a daily basis? This sort of thing is atrocious, and must be addressed immediately.
I humbly ask that you join me in support of the newly formed International Association for the Advocacy of Penile Rights (I.A.A.P.R.). We intend to provide a platform of education and awareness that will ultimately lead to better laws regarding the ownership, use, and display of a penis.
Thank you for your time!