Today I learned that Spock died. And while I had a lifelong feud with this man – second only to my feud with John Lithgow – I am still sad to see him go, because he might have been a shifty, sketchy, untrustworthy space elf, but he still gave money to children, and as far as I know he never actually killed a guy. At least I don’t think so. Anyway, you’ve got to respect that.
So you probably didn’t know this, but Spock wanted to be in that movie Lord of the Rings. Have you seen that? It’s pretty good. It made me want to read the book, but I don’t read books, so I didn’t. But I watched the movie three times, and it was totally different every time. There was something about trees the second time, but I was really tripping balls that day, so I don’t quite remember. I have that problem with a lot of movies, but never this bad. I swear, it’s like they made three different movies and named them all the same thing. I’d say it was a ripoff, but they were pretty good and I laughed whenever Gullumps was onscreen.
So, Spock tried out for the King of the Elves, Elrong. Instead he was played by that guy in the Matrix, and I kept wanting him to say “Mister Anderson” but he didn’t and people yelled at me for talking during the movie.
Anyways, I guess he auditioned for the role and he kept flubbing lines and calling the hobbits “hoppits” or something and then afterwards he got into a fistfight with Gandalf. Something he said, I think. I think Spock thought it was a come on. You knew Gandalf was gay, right?
And Spock was escorted off the set and then he went into a Denny’s and ate three Grand Slams and drank like a gallon of coffee and went to a gun range for a few hours. Later he was seen in downtown Las Vegas without pants attempting to give the Vulcan neck pinch to people. He’s was a really strange guy. I bet he had a pet spider.
But that’s not why I despise the man. No sir, I’m not some petty jerkoff, you know? Whenever I declare a lifelong blood feud on someone, it’s usually for a good reason, like that time Eddie Baskin stole my pants from my gym locker in high school and I had to wear a trash bag for the rest of the day. That’s why I set fire to his backpack, and that’s why I was suspended from school, and thinking back, I think the month I missed was probably the reason why I didn’t go to college, so pretty much Eddie Baskin ruined my life.
So anyways, the story behind my hatred of Spock goes back to 2006. This guy I worked with, Rick Lohman, was into sci-fi. I like sci-fi, too, but this guy was way, way into it, and when the convention came to Philly, he asked if I wanted to go. So we went, and it was pretty crazy, like all kinds of sweaty fat dudes in costumes and all these tables lined up with people selling crap. I’d heard of there being lots of hot girls at these conventions, but I only saw a couple, and I think they worked there, but fuck it, that’s what stripper clubs are for.
So we were checking out all kinds of stuff, and I was thinking about buying these Hulk gloves that made sounds, and that’s when I saw Spock. Now, back then, before I knew what a shitbird he was, I was a big fan of Spock. I saw all his movies, and even reruns of that weird show he had in 1970’s that was about ghosts and aliens and the Bermuda Triangle and stuff. So I ran up to him, and I was gonna give him the neck pinch, you know? Because I figured he would probably think that was really funny and cool and we’d become friends and I’d get to meet Scotty and Captain Kirk and maybe visit the U.S.S. Star Trek and get to see all the parts that they usually close off to the public.
So I ran up, real fast, in order to surprise me, only I forgot I was still wearing the Hulk gloves so instead of pinching him, I hit him real hard in the back of the neck and he fell over and started screaming about his “fiber maloja” or whatever – I didn’t even know he spoke Spanish! – and the guy running the booth ran up saying I had to pay for the Hulk gloves, and I was like, “Fuck your Hulk gloves, go peddle your shit to someone else!” and I threw those gloves off like a fucking champ and turned back to Spock, and here he was still on the ground, screaming and crying and pretty much acting like a baby.
So then, of course, the stupid security guards came over and by now I was saying stuff like, “It’s illogical for you to be such a pussy! What would Worlf say if he saw you like this?” and I was kicking him (lightly) in the leg, because I figured that would inspire him to regain the stoic Vulcan composure that got him such [LINK: Hobbit song; TEXT: mad tail back in the sixties]. But for some reasons, the guards thought this was “assault” and they tackled me to the ground – which really hurt – and they were probably using Kryptonite or something, because what they were saying got to Spock, and he ended up saying he wanted to press charges, so they put me in the office and called the cops.
So I spent the night in jail and had to go to court later just because Spock couldn’t take a little joking around. How he got to be a member of Star Fleet is beyond me! In the long run, I ended up only having to do community service, and while I was cleaning up trash in a public park I found a bag of schwag, so it worked out okay, but after Rick bailed me out the next day, I went back because I decided I was going to buy those Hulk gloves after all, and I’d been up all night thinking about all the stuff I was gonna punch with them, so I was really disappointed when I got to the convention and discovered that I had been banned for life from the Pennsylvania Convention Center. Such bullshit.
And that’s why I hate Spock. He cost me my one chance at the glory of punching the mail man and other various people and objects with Hulk gloves, and for that, I can never forgive him.