There’s a guy I know, whom I will refer to as M.S., who is wonderfully fun to abuse, because it brings out the comedy in him. I hardly talk to him these days, but I have many fond memories of talking to him in AIM. Here is a collection of some of the best chatlogs between the two of us.
BACK IN THE BYGONE ERA OF PRINTERS THAT USED PARALLEL PORTS INSTEAD OF USB
M.S.: I was talking to [REDACTED] in game yesterday
M.S.: went to unplug the printer
M.S.: wrong cable
M.S.: I fell over in a heterosexual fashion
M.S.: cuz I killed the power
Me: i hate when that happens
EATING SOAP IS A PASTIME ACTIVITY
M.S.: christ this internet thing pisses me off
Me: it should be abolished
M.S.: shit i ate soap brb
ASS RANCH IS ALSO DELICIOUS
M.S.: go shoot mayonaise up your butt
Me: that’s nasty, man
Me: that’s seriously disturbing
M.S.: sounded way worse after I said it
M.S.: bet that would make your shit STINK
M.S.: and also be surprisingly delicious
Me: oh god
Me: dude, you’re making me ill, here
I’LL BET IT’S LIKE REALLY RUNNY, SOUR MOZZARELLA
M.S.: I wonder what cheese made from human breastmilk is like
Me: i can’t think of a response to that
I LIKE BEING CRUEL TO STRIPPERS. IT MAKES THE LAP DANCE MUCH BETTER.
Me: Nothing offends a stripper more than when you whip out a porno mag in the middle of her act, rather than watch her.
M.S.: porno mag of old people
Me: if it’s WEIRD, she won’t get offended, just disgusted
M.S.: not if she’s old too
Me: but if it’s a regular mag, she’ll be offended
Me: if that doesn’t work, throw a buck and say, “Nice dance, fatty!”
ALEISTER CROWLEY WOULD BE PROUD
M.S.: how do I make cookies out of baby flesh?
Me: Well, you want to really mince up the flesh until it’s a fine mush
Me: Then add some flour and a little cornstarch to add some doughy texture to it
Me: And I find a little brown sugar really brings out the flavor
M.S.: should I use the same dark rituals zorlock 7 used when doing this?
Me: No no no
Me: Not at all
Me: Outmoded and ridiculous
M.S.: dammt, I got my cape all decorated for nothing
M.S.: it just doesn’t look stylish with all these popehats and lucky charms scattered all over it
Me: You want to go with the Rite of Askh Ent Du Guaska
M.S.: bah, that’s for sissies and french people
Me: From page 517 of the Grimoire Du Basta
M.S.: you still use that?
M.S.: who the hell does these days
Me: Look, I’ll be honest with you
Me: You’re only conjuring a cooking from the seventh level of hell
Me: All those rituals AREN’T necessary
M.S.: that doesn’t sound very honest
Me: But demons are extremely self-important
Me: And they’ll get offended if you don’t make a show of it
M.S.: blah blah
Me: As long as your circle is solid and you don’t break it, you should be ok with a simple conjuring
Me: MAKE SURE YOU HAVE ENOUGH SALT TO DO BOTH THE CIRCLE AND THE COOKIES
Me: If you run out and borrow salt from the circle, you’re royally fucked
Me: And your cookies will taste like shit
M.S.: what if that’s my goal
M.S.: as I forcefeed them to girlscouts
Me: Well, then go for it
M.S.: then I can use them in the next batch
LET’S MAKE A ZORK DEAL!
Me: It is very dark here. You can’t see anything. You are likely to be eaten by a Grue. WHAT DO YOU DO?
M.S.: eat the grue
Me: You cannot see the Grue.
Me: Choose: suitcase 1, suitcase 2, or suitcase 3.
Me: YOU MUST CHOOSE
Me: Suitcase one is made of cloth, it’s brown, and appears to be dripping and stained with something viscous
Me: Suitcase 2 is leather, black, and very small
Me: Suitcase three is green and blue, very old, and smells bad
Me: Suitcase 2 it is!
M.S.: I hope it’s full of licorice
Me: You open the suitcase and discover a paper shopping bag full of black market fireworks from Maylasia!
Me: Would you like to know what was in suitcase 1 and suitcase 3
M.S.: sure do
Me: Suitcase 1 contained 14 pounds of fried chicken from Roy Rogers
Me: Suitcase 3 contained 45 million dollars in Pesos
M.S.: WHERE IS THE GRUE THEN
Me: OH NO, THE GRUE IS THE MC!
THIS IS A POT REFERENCE
Me: I would make an excellent Super Villian
Me: I’d be The Baked Potato
Me: I’d be wrapped in foil
Me: and my face painted brown
Me: and I’d be high
Me: and my power would be that I’m TOO HOT TO HANDLE!
THIS IS ACTUALLY LOOSELY BASED ON AN OLD APPLE II VIDEO GAME CALLED “SPARE CHANGE”
Me: I’m hooked on this new arcade game, it’s called Pudding Factory
Me: You plan Stanley P. Ding
Me: And you have to stop the Mazmots from destorying the assmbly line
Me: while manufacturing various types of pudding
Me: it gets harder with each level, as you have to manufacture more and more different types of pudding
Me: and the mazmots attempt to hijack the machines and destroy your ingredients
M.S.: this sounds like a yahoo game
M.S.: you girl
Me: it’s not even a real game
Me: I made it up just now
M.S.: you’re a girl anyway
Me: a big sexy girl
M.S.: fuck you
Me: quiet, you little ball gazer