Chatlog Fun: Volume Six

Tom CashChatlog Fun, HumorLeave a Comment

THIS CHATLOG OBVIOUSLY TOOK PLACE BEFORE THE WORLD ENDED IN DECEMBER OF 2012

Me: Hey! Did you hear? 2012 isn’t the end of of the world! No, the good news is, it’s really the REBIRTH of the world! That’s right, all the world’s problems are going to be solved when we move into the Fifth Sun, and things like war and religous strife and pverty are all going to go away! We don’t even have DO anything, we just haver to wait! It’s the perfect solution for the laziest generation to come along in 200+ years!
Me: People actually do seem to believe this, by the way… which is why I sneer whenever somebody says, “I hate religion, but I have no problem with spirituality”.
C.B.: yeah i don’t get that either
Me: It’s basically saying, “I’m okay with illogical, inconsistant, and unprovable psuedoscientific drivel SO LONG as it’s also unorganized”
C.B.: hahah
C.B.: i have a spiritual koala bear that i pray to
C.B.: no one else does so it’s safe
Me: listen man, you can’t PROVE that my healing crystals won’t cure my cancer *dies of cancer*
Me: I unfriended that [REDACTED] guy, btw
C.B.: that jesus freak dude?
Me: yeah
Me: I decided that the entertainment value had run out, and I was tired of him expecting me to defend every statement I made about atheism
C.B.: yeah a lot of them are just plain stupid
Me: Check this quote out – somebody responded to him saying “Prove God doesn’t exist”, by saying “prove he does”, and this was his ressponse: I don’t need to, you need to prove he doesn’t. What do you offer? No matter what I say in response to proof you wouldn’t accept it anyway because your faith in that he doesn’t won’t allow you to even consider the possibility.
C.B.: but you can’t make a logical defense against an illogical thing
Me: yeah, it’s like trying to reason with a drunk. he’s high on his religion; it’s really no different than any other addiction at all
C.B.: yeah that’s why i was trying to make points about the fact that there ARE actually other religions in the world
C.B.: they don’t seem to acknowledge that fact when defending their god
C.B.: they won’t mention krishna
C.B.: or whatever the fuck the native americans used to chant around poles to
C.B.: or the japanese shin-to temples or whatever
Me: Well, yeah, in his mind, it’s the believers versus the non. Whatever the other religions believe, he’s convinced that they still believe in HIS god, they just have the details wrong
C.B.: for some reason those existing doesn’t offend them like someone saying there is nothing there
C.B.: however, in those religions, jesus is a nobody
Me: so in his mind, the believers far out weigh the non, which is true if you assume that anybody who believes in a god of some kind thinks and feels exactly the same way
C.B.: and in christianity he is THEIR GOD
C.B.: they believe a MAN was GOD
C.B.: it’s crazier than even judiasm
C.B.: at least there you have a god that remains mysterious
Me: the fact that fucking cannibalism is a mainstay of their weekly ritual is fucking MINDBLOWING to me
Me: but they’re all insane
Me: I mean, i agree with you
Me: but all religion is basically sanctioned insanity.
Me: all spirituality is, for that matter. the persistant believe that something which cannot be proven to exists DOES exist, and you should believe it too, despite the total lack of evidence or even a modicum of sense
C.B.: i just don’t understand why they get so offended
C.B.: actually i do, it’s becaue they know it’s bullshit but will die before admittig it
C.B.: if i truly and honestly believed and KNEW beyond a doubt that there was a god, i would be a happy man and not really waste time arguing with ppl about it
C.B.: imagine if you had PROOF that god existed
C.B.: who wouldn’t worship?
C.B.: such a powerful being as that?
C.B.: if there was proof??
C.B.: nobody would fight
Me: yeah exactly
C.B.: the fear of god would be a real fear
C.B.: and not some bullshit one
Me: like Dawkins said, if there was evidence, I’d change my beliefs today
Me: as opposed to the religious mindset which is, ‘even against all evidence, I maintain my position’
C.B.: i just don’t think they grasp what it even is they are defending so much
Me: that is the definition of insane
Me: I agree
Me: well, from the time I spent obessing over spirituality and metaphysics, I learned a LOT about the roots of religion
Me: and I would wager that most Christians don’t know a goddamn thing about their own faith
Me: most of them haven’t even read the bible in the first place
C.B.: the idea of an all knowing, all powerful being a cool one. and if you knew that you could get eternal happiness and peace from it, and there was proof, who wouldn’t do that?
C.B.: but that guy on fb is super conflicted and sounds like he struggles to believe what he’s even saying
C.B.: i have 2 friends that are preachers now
C.B.: i grew up with them
C.B.: they know my beliefs and they don’t say anything
C.B.: we are still pals
Me: yeah. likewise, I’d like to believe that aliens built the pyramids. doesn’t make it true. [REDACTED] and I talk about that kind of shit all the time; it’s like that poster on the wall in the X Files, “I want to believe”
C.B.: they KNOW in their hearts or whatever that they are right (even if i think they are full of shit)
C.B.: so they don’t have to defend anything
C.B.: [the person you un-friended], on the other hand, is a lamer
C.B.: yeah i told [REDACTED] last week that i want to, too
C.B.: it sucks knowing that death is the end
C.B.: and that our existence might just be irrelevant to the universe
Me: he’s struggling to maintain is position and defends it with arrogance, all because he’s intelligent enough to see the holes in his position, but he’s not prepared to accept or admit that
C.B.: but, if we had proof that something else was there and wanted us to join them, who wouldn’t follow those instructions to the letter
C.B.: but you have to come to your senses eventually
Me: yeah, the biggest problem is people seem to think that there is some kind of afterparty to life, and when they get told that there isn’t, and that while we don;t know for certain, every single piece of evidence and logic we possess suggests very strongly that this life is all you get, they get depressed, because they assume that means life is meaningless
Me: to to the universe at large IT IS MEANINGLESS. all the more reason to assign your own meaning and get busy enjoying what life you have
Me: i think it’s the fear of making that leap that keeps so many people willfully ignorant, tbh
C.B.: yeah it’s hard to face
Me: i think that the realization that there is nobody holding you accountable, that right and wrong isn’t set in stone, that morality is relative, and there there is no reward after you die is very, vert liberating. and i think that real freedom is kind of terrifying in a way
C.B.: they think that if there is no point to anything then why don’t we all rape and murder
C.B.: yeah, exactly
Me: which is funny, because the reason presents itself immediately. the reason we don’t rape and murder is because other people are the only thing we have, the only thing we can really count on, for each other sruvival and the surivival of the species
Me: that’s a pretty compelling reason, if you ask me
C.B.: yeah and it has to do with a deeper understanding of self, too, imo
C.B.: you don’t want to be raped or murdered
C.B.: so you naturally don’t want to do these things
C.B.: the people that maliciously seek these things are screwed up
Me: yeah, exactly
C.B.: and they usually get their punishment from their peers
C.B.: (other humans)
Me: they have a literal disease which creates that kind of behavior
C.B.: via whatever legal system was put into place there
C.B.: there are few people that rise out of the social restrictions and for lack of a better term ‘just don’t give a fuck’
C.B.: they are dangerous people
C.B.: they will do anything they want, at any time
C.B.: and don’t care if they go to jail or whatever
Me: and that’s just an extension of our evolution. we deal with dangerous outliers by removing them from a placre when they can damage society, which is pretty much no different than a weaker trait disappearing because it’s not propagated through reproduction
C.B.: there have been those in history that have done that
C.B.: and actually that’s basically what neitzsche was experimenting with in his philosophy
C.B.: wondering what if a man could rise above morals and go beyond good and evil, etc
C.B.: which unfortunately was taken the wrong way by the nazis
Me: ubermensch
C.B.: yeah
Me: i’m kind of curious what it would take to do that. even if we were somehow able to get rid of religious thought, I doubt it would change the way people think. we’re biologically wired to believe some pretty dumb shit
Me: which in turn, further illustrates why our development as a species was anything BUT intelligent in design
Me: we’re just sort of randomly hacked together, and not everything works as efficiently as one should hope it would
C.B.: well, in general, the more educated someone gets, the less likely they will believe in superstitions
Me: that’s true
C.B.: so, i think as we become more educated, it will go away
Me: but you can;t force knowledge upon somebody
C.B.: i think if we shifted towards this idea of living for ourselves, and by ourselves i mean humans, things would improve
Me: even if they have the capacity to understand it, there needs to be willingness to learn
C.B.: we need to wake up and realize that this planet and our human race is all we have
C.B.: there is no heaven to rise up to
Me: i agree
C.B.: work together in peace and have dogs loving cats
Me: yeah, I’d like to see what society would look like if we raised an entire generation from birth to not have any reliance on anything other than what is manifestly possible within the scope of human experience. no mystical bullshit, no “reward” after death, no false moral paradigms
Me: i’d like to see something like fetal tissue research or cloning evaluated for its morality by a society that pays no deference to religiously derived values
Me: chances are we’d have a cure for aids and most cancers by now
C.B.: hah maybe on the moon
Me: if stodgy relgious fundamentalists weren’t downvoting anything that might offend the delicate sensibilites of allah or yahweh or whothefuckever
Me: maybe on the moon? you mean we’d be on the moon right now? or we’d invent it on the moon? or we’d have to live on the moon for something like that to happen?
Me: WHAT IS THIS MOON YOU SPEAK OF?
C.B.: yeah raise the clones on the moon
C.B.: MOONPEOPLE
Me: I don’t want no moonclones in my neighborhood. That ain’t Christian!
Me: those preacher friends of yours aren’t a part of the cowboy church, are they?
C.B.: no, i wish
Me: because that would be awesome
C.B.: if they were, i wouldn’t be able to just leave them alone
Me: yeah, being a pastor in a cowboy church isn’t something that’s easily lived down
Me: i would probably warn them about the spy from the peter frampton church, though
C.B.: hahahah

GIMMIE THAT OL’ TIME RELIGION! YEEEHAW!

C.B.: bullcreekcowboychurch.com
Me: Could God make a big enough hat that even He couldn’t wear it?
C.B.: this is one step away from Clown Church
C.B.: where they baptize you with a seltzer bottle
Me: Hold on there, partner! If you want to salvation of Christ, you’re gonna have to prove it. *heats up the crucifix-shaped branding iron*
C.B.: these guys apparently merged a church with a steakhouse
Me: I’ll have the Fries of the Eucharist, smothered in the ketchup of the lamb.
Me: Their core beliefs include: Goin’ through the Bible and removin’ all the “g’s” from any words endin’ in “ing”
Me: Listen Hoss, we’re gonna lasso that mean ole devil right up outta ya.
C.B.: We believe in the resurrection of both the saved and the lost: they who are saved unto resurrection of life and those who are lost unto the resurrection of damnation and eternal hell.
C.B.: that doesn’t even make any sense. they said “unto” twice though, so i guess that sounds smart
Me: that’s pretty revolutionary for a Christian church
Me: Either they pray so fucking hard that people get undamned
Me: or they somehow invented a time machine and go around saving those poor souls who died and went to hell, moments before their death
Me: Presumably, for the latter, they have technology that tells them who goes to hell and who goes to heaven
C.B.: yeah it’s a wagon wheel they spin
Me: Every single one of them has a goddamn ridiculous mustache or beard, except the guy that mows the lawn. “God didn’t bless me with spectacular facial hair, so I must humbly work the land, much like Cain did when he was sent to the land of Nod. I also paint fences sometimes.“

chatlog-cowboyChurch

C.B.: Paul Boen is a spy planted by the Peter Frampton Church down the road
Me: He’s like Jack Black’s less successful born-again cousin
C.B.: George Keller is the ‘mercy team leader’
C.B.: that’s cowboy code for EXECUTIONER
Me: If I ran a church, clicking on the “Accept Jesus Christ” link would constitute a binding legal contract
C.B.: this is a real church from where i grew up. i found the link in the paper from my hometown. this is literally right where i grew up
Me: when you first linked it, I honestly thought it was like Landover Baptist
C.B.: i hated this cowboy bullshit growing up
C.B.: it’s almost 2012 you assholes
C.B.: these guys might as well be saying they are jedi knights
C.B.: they aren’t fucking cowboys
Me: I wonder if people in the Netherlands have to deal with assholes running around in fur and horned helmets claiming to be Vikings
C.B.: i hope so
Me: I think you spoke too soon about the Jedi thing
Me: jedichurch.org
C.B.: wtf

NAMES ARE IMPORTANT

C.B.: if Robert Palmer just went by Bob Palmer his career would have went nowhere
Me: That’s true

Robert Palmer

C.B.: i don’t understand why anyone named Robert would go by Bob
C.B.: that’s like accepting failure
Me: It worked for Bob Odenkirk, though
Me: but maybe he’s an exception to the rule?
C.B.: yeah comedians are different
Me: That’s like if Huey Lewis had gone by Hugh
Me: Nobody would take a pop singer named Hugh Lewis seriously

hughey pic

Me: Likewise, if he were a college professor, he would have to not only use Hugh A. Lewis
Me: Or if he wanted to be fancy, he could go by H. Anthony Lewis
Me: From now on I’m going to refer to Huey Lewis as H. Anthony Lewis
C.B.: hell yeah
Me: By sheer rule of numbers, I am sure that there is an H. Anthony Lewis somewhere who happens to be a behavioral psychologist specializing in codependant relationship dynamics, who puts out a newsletter.
Me: A = the power of love

YOU FORGOT TO ACCOUNT FOR MY MIRROR BALLS!  LOOK AT THEM SHINE! LOOK AT THEM SHINE!

Me:Good. They need to stay off my goddamned lawn. They keep breaking the little mirrored ball I put out there. I have to replace it three times a year
Me:I actually had a neighbor who did that. EVERY three months he’d buy a new one, and within a MONTH it would be broken. EVERY SINGLE TIME.

garden mirror ballC.B.: hahah
Me:He also had garden gnomes.
C.B.: he’s a plooker
Me:I took a special joy in knowing that, each time he replaced his mirrored ball, within days, it would be shattered to a million pieces.
C.B.: everytime he put a new one out
Me:Yes. In a way, it’s a metaphor for life
C.B.: you should have waited until he JUST closed the door and then walk out there with a shotgun and blow the fuck out of it

EVERYTHING IS FAKE

Me: i read the other day that, because gasoline companies have done studies which prove that most americans have postive nostalgia attached to the smell of gasoline, nowadays, many of them put an additive into the gasoline to make it smell…. MORE LIKE GASOLINE
Me: Everything is fake.
C.B.: haha wow
Me: I want to headbutt America.
C.B.: i’ll grab america’s ankles

About the Author

Tom Cash

Hi! I'm Tom. I am on a journey of constant self-improvement, and I'm thankful that you've chosen to join me. I'd love to hear from you.