Chatlog Fun: Volume Five

Tom CashChatlog Fun, HumorLeave a Comment

THIS ISN’T ALL THAT FUNNY, BUT IT’S PRETTY INTERESTING ALL THE SAME

C.B.: i realized that even though [the United States] isn’t as free as it used to be, it’s about the best thing going right now. that’s kind of depressing to me, but hopefully the us will get it’s shit together. there just doesn’t seem to be a place that will just let you alone anymore… sadly this place is about as good as it gets in the regard. every other country seemingly wants more from you; more taxes, more bullshit regulations – no one can just have a house and live their lives. here at least you can feel that way if you live out in the country. this is basically shit [Hunter S. Thompson] wrote about; he saw it back in the 70s
Me: There’s still Antarctica. a lot of that land is completely unclaimed, I believe. and you don’t even have to worry about mowing your lawn there.
C.B.: ohhh that’s true… speaking of that, have you seen the south oriented map thing?
Me: no, I don’t think I have

upside world map

C.B.: it really made me pause and think. we always think north is up, but there is no up or down in space, north and south are just names we gave directions
Me: true
C.B.: so why is north always up on the map? there are south oriented maps that blow your mind lol
Me: tradition, basically
C.B.: Antarctica is at the top, and everyone pretty much lives at the botton of the planet,which seems to make more sense for some reason.
Me: that’s odd… in my dreams, antarctia is always north – always
C.B.: i read that they used to orient maps with east pointing up, because the sun rose that way, that’s why they called it ‘orienting’ the map, because the east was up, with the orient being at the top. at first i was like, that’s kinda cool, then i really thought about it and my mind got blown
Me: well, it’s kind of like being at your parent’s house and noticing a thing that’s always been there, but you took for granted, and then you’re seeing it for the first time
C.B.: all the images we see of planet earth are oriented to have the north pole at the top of the picture, but in space there is no up, it just depends on which way the camera is facing
Me: i never really realized that Australia is the same size as the US, more or less. i never really appreciated how truely fucking MASSIVE Russia is. why is that? why would I have not noticed that. this completely changes your perspective
C.B.: yeah for real. you really have to try hard to not think of north as up, but just as a direction towards a pole; that’s what blew my mind the most… i never really thought about it – always in my mind north = up
Me: it actually did occur to me when I was making the map of ZPD [the comic book we are co-creating], but this is still pretty mindblowing. but see, I had to try MAKING MY OWN map to see it, that shows how embedded the idea is
C.B.: yeah for real. i guess it’s all part of this awakening we’re slowing having about our place in the universe, starting to really look beyond just our planet, and to look at things on a truly macro scale
Me: yeah, it’s funny that were always sort of assume we’re at the center of the universe, but there are no apparent edges, so how can there be a center to something with no edges? we’re really only at the center of our ability to measure, and that seems to be growning all the time

HE

HEC.B.: the HE in the background makes the pic
C.B.: how do you buy pants that go up to the middle of you back?
C.B.: HE will come.
C.B.: HE will see you sleeping.
C.B.: HE will eat your pets.
Me: HE has a perplexing body shape
Me: At first I thought he was standing on his tiptoes, but now I see that he is actually walking, and that awkward pose of his is an even more awkward gait, probably due to the extremely tight jeans.
Me: If you stabbed him in the thigh, his entire leg would explode like a water balloon.
C.B.: yeah HE doesn’t play darts.

I LOVE MAYNARD, BUT…

C.B.: well it’s finally over
C.B.: maynard keenan is selling his own brand of wine
C.B.: the last bit of cool from my high school days is over
Me: yeah, he’s been doing that for awhile
C.B.: didn’t know that
C.B.: however, his website for his wine is like WTF
Me: well of course
C.B.: DRINK THIS WINE AND YOU WILL KNOW THE WATERS OF NEPTUNE
C.B.: it doesn’t say that but it might as well
C.B.: www.caduceus.org
Me: hey, if sacred geometry doesn’t factor heavily into the wine you’re drinking, you’re doing it wrong
C.B.: GAIN THE KNOWLEDGE OF THE ANCIENTS
Me: wine is serious metaphysical business
C.B.: the grapes were planted in a sacred geometric pattern in the soil
C.B.: above an ancient mayan burial ground
C.B.: he found the recipe on the rings of saturn
C.B.: he astrally projected there a few years back
Me: the soil itself comprised of fertile riverbed silt from the euphrates, mixed with the ashes of edgar cayce and a ground up quartz crystal that used to have information from the days of atlantis encoded into it
C.B.: here he is on that trip i mentioned

Doctor Manhattan

Me: he’s so deep, man
Me: still no matter how goofy he may be, at least he’s not chad kroeger or scott stapp
Me: yeah, maybe his next album will feature three separate tracks with whale songs in them, but you’ll never hear a lyric like, “I like your pants around your feet”

DURRRR, HUMAN RESOURCES

I’m sorry if you are IN human resources and took offense to this post. Certainly not all of HR people are mentally challenged chimpanzees in people clothes. But it’s been my experience that the dumbest IT users in MY place of work tend to be people who work in the hospital cafeteria and the janitorial staff, both of whom have little to no daily exposure to our computer systems, and the people who work in the middle-level administrative and human resources areas of the hospital, who just have no excuse whatsoever.

Me: I just spoke to the most computer illterate man in the universe. My grandma would have an easier time configuring a hydrogen bomb than this guy would have turning a computer on.
Me: I literally had to explain to him why the network jack would not fit into the port where the laptop’s power supply normally goes
Me: and guess where he worked?
Me: HUMAN FUCKING RESOURCES
C.B.: yeah those people are usually simpletons
Me: this guy was off the charts
Me: the only – and I mean ONLY – time he sounded even relatively confident about any question I asked him was when I asked what building he worked in
Me: he had to repeat absolutely everything I told him in order to make sure he understood it
Me: and even then, after I gave him advice, he’d jabber for a few minutes, giving me a play by play, and then say, “What do you think i should do?” as if I hadn’t JUST told him
C.B.: i could understand that if computers just came out
C.B.: but come on dude they have been readily available to everyone since 1995
C.B.: that’s almost 20 fucking years
Me: he’s like one of those guys who goes to meetings and just repeats everything the presenter just said
Me: as if to tell the world, “I’m no dummy I understand things! People with liberal arts degrees aren’t worthless!”
Me: the best part was that the whole time he was talking to me, it was in this sort of scared whisper
Me: I couldn’t decide if that was because he was afraid of being repremanded for having a computer problem (he had accidentally dropped a binder onto the monitor connected to his port replicator) or if because he was afraid of angering the tiny caged demon that lives in the computer and makes it go

MR. BEANS

mr. beans

Me: Mr. Beans. Not Bean. BEANS
Me: I’m pretty sure Rowan Akinson would be personally offended at this.
C.B.: hahahaha
C.B.: that’s totally an indian guy
Me: you know why I like celebrity impersonators? it’s because there’s something vaguely creepy about them, especially when they’re a really good impersonator. like you’ve somehow been transported to an alternate reality.
C.B.: haha yeah
Me: and also because there’s a broad spectrum that defines “impersonator”. you can look and sound just like a person
Me: ooooooor, you can be black, wear a polo shirt and a baseball hat, and call yourself tiger woods

About the Author

Tom Cash

Hi! I’m Tom. I am on a journey of constant self-improvement, and I’m thankful that you’ve chosen to join me. I’d love to hear from you.