Chatlog Fun: Volume Four

Tom CashChatlog Fun, HumorLeave a Comment



Me: I have a new favorite band
C.B.: wtf
C.B.: i know they are just kids but these kids fucking suck
Me: hahaha
C.B.: it just helps that they are both pudgey as fuck
Me: if you basically take their bio, and rewrite it to say exactly the opposite of what is written, you’ll have a factual statement. and I suspect that may be how they wrote it
Me: they had a guy write stuff they knew was a true about the band and then write the opposite
Me: I like that their name is derived from their nicknames. So the boy’s name is Tank, and the girl’s name is Pickle
Me: Although really, it should be Hotdog and Hamburger
C.B.: “Tank plays the guitar and sings while he does the duck walk.”
C.B.: ok great
C.B.: thanks for the info
Me: if this is a high energy performance, I’d hate to see them when they’re feeling sluggish
Me: i think their promoter might want to check their hyperbole dictionary, because i’ve seen sleeping people who better qualify for the term “high energy”
C.B.: yeah that just means they skip their ADD meds
Me: I’m just glad they didn’t go with their original idea for a name, KetchupVan.
C.B.: yeah
Me: Tell me, what ARE the typical stereotypes of most eight and nine-year-old musical artists?
Me: Because frankly, aside from Kris Kross and Michael Jackson, I can’t even think of any
C.B.: i dunno most of them that people hear of are exceptional
C.B.: so i guess they DO shed those stereotypes
Me: right
Me: well then I guess that bio copy is spot on
Me: it’s just a matter of spin
Me: technically it’s all true
Me: as long as you’re ok with some of the adjvectives being relative
Me: I dunno man, this whole thing feels a little too close to exploitation to me
Me: making slow, chubby white kids dance around and then lying to them and everyone else by calling them “talented” seems grossly unfair to me
Me: i’m assuming they’re like Alfalfa from Lil’ Rascals and are actually owned by a studio or a firm or something.


Me: Doesn’t she have a wonderful voice?
C.B.: she kinda sounded like a cartoon character or muppet
Me: she sounds like a what you’d hear if you recorded a rubber chicken being squeezed, and pitch shifted it down in playback
C.B.: yeah or like a female Moe the bartender from the simpsons
Me: having an orgasm
C.B.: yeah of course

i throw ball


C.B.: i hope that’s real
C.B.: he looks like meatwad
Me: I could entertain myself for hours just imagining what sort of sound he’s making
Me: Like maybe he’s making a brrbrbrbrrb plane engine sound
C.B.: yeah or like a train whistle
Me: he’s doing that WOOT WOOT thing that Bubb Rubb was doing in the whistle tips video
C.B.: yeah but literally like a whistle tip
Me: only really high pitched, like a a giant toddler
C.B.: it’s like a super high pitched whirring
Me: yeah exactly
C.B.: dog heads explode


This chatlog is not intended as a remark against Judaism – it’s meant as a remark about the incredible power of pork in general, and bacon in particular. If anything, you should probably be more worried about the bullshit assumption that all these superheroes are automatically supposed to be Christians.


C.B.: i didn’t know jesus was a marvel character
C.B.: dc had their own version that was a lot like him but it was Koresh
C.B.: it didn’t last long and got canceled after only 3 issues
Me: yeah, his powers are derived from eating pork
Me: that’s why Jewish people are forbidden to eat it; we don’t want a bunch of Jesuses running around fucking shit up
C.B.: truth
Me: one was enough, am I right?
Me: you go to the beach and there’s a bunch of guys with yarmulkes walking around on top of the water
Me: and just eating bacon by the fistful


coconut head ned

Me: I went to the barber and said, “this how i want my hair did”
C.B.: wow
C.B.: that’s the ultimate page boy
Me: it’s glorious. radiant, even
Me: i don’t know why it says “NOT READY”
C.B.: cuz dude’s not ready


Me: I realize that the whims of fashion ebb and flow, but I don’t understand how anyone ever thought this looked good
Me: why would anyone, man or woman, want their head to look like the tip of a penis?
C.B.: i’m guessing back in the days of dragons it was just easy
C.B.: you comb everything forward and cut around your face
Me: true, but back then it was probably sloppy and uneven because nobody gave a fuck about some lame servant boy
Me: but that shit, and the other picture i showed you, are fucking PRECISE
Me: they measured that shit with a laser micrometer
C.B.: yeah it’s just another in the long line of stupid haircuts
C.B.: mullet is still #1
Me: yeah, nothing beats a mullet
Me: well, no, not exactly…
Me: I found something worse


C.B.: wow
C.B.: that guy thought he was badass too
Me: That cold look of confidence in his eyes and the determined set of his jaw says everything you need to know
Me: he got his hair cut like that on the basic assumption that if people didn’t accept it, he would beat them until they did
Me: but you can’t beat up the whole world, Dylan
Me: or maybe Derek
Me: yeah, Derek sounds better
Me: I love the ionic pillar in the background
C.B.: actually if you make the top bald and give him a mustache, he’s gallagher
Me: that’s a good point
Me: I’m sure Gallagher has at least one illegitimate child
C.B.: yeah he wasn’t just squirtin melon juice all over the place
Me: nothing gets a woman more aroused than witty wordplay stolen from George Carlin’s B material and smashing produce with a comically oversized sledgehammer
Me: Carrot Top still gets laid telling people about the time he and Gallagher partied
C.B.: hell yeah he does
Me: Which is kind of funny, because anybody who tells a story about partying with Carrot Top is pretty much guaranteed to sleep alone that night – and longer, if the story gets around
C.B.: unless you’re talking to carrot top
Me: well, that’s only because everybody carrot top talks to one on one has a high probability of being drugged and raped

About the Author

Tom Cash

Hi! I'm Tom. I am on a journey of constant self-improvement, and I'm thankful that you've chosen to join me. I'd love to hear from you.