Chatlog Fun: Volume Three

Tom CashChatlog Fun, HumorLeave a Comment

IMPOSSIBLY OBESE

chatlog-gravylegs01

Me: I think it’s time for the Obesity Classification Chart to be updated.
Me: Take this guy, for example.
Me: I would guess he’s around 5’10” and probably weights close to 450 pounds. Based on that guess, his BMI is like 65% bodyfat.
Me: the STARTING POINT for Class 3 Obesity is 40%
Me: and that’s considered Morbidly Obese. As in ‘YOU ARE GOING TO FUCKING DIE”
Me: So I think when you hit 65% they should just call it Impossibly Obese
Me: or Immortally Obese
Me: because at that point, how the fuck ARE you alive?
C.B.: how on earth are his shoes so small?
C.B.: how does he even stand up?
Me: I can’t imagine how that guy must feel
C.B.: he clearly doesn’t give a shit
C.B.: i don’t know how he even wipes his ass
Me: his wrists look like they have really tight rubberbands around them
C.B.: how in the fuck is it humanly possible to get that big?
C.B.: yeah he has giant baby arms
Me: he doesn’t even have feet, they’re just tapered hunks of meat shoved into sneakers
Me: i have no idea
Me: his entire life must just be one big ordeal
Me: imagine everything you take for granted
C.B.: dudes probably dead at this moment
Me: getting dressed
Me: getting out of bed
Me: entering or leaving a car
C.B.: his heart is like HOLY SHIT
C.B.: then he lights up a smoke
C.B.: and his heart is like wtf i’m out
Me: even just sitting down in a chair
Me: all those things are probably a struggle for him
C.B.: his heart is basically pumping nothing but scrambled eggs at this point
Me: yeah, his blood is basically country gravy
Me: the kind with chucks of sausage in it
C.B.: haha

DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHAT THEY DO WITH “HEART PLUGS”

C.B.: MR DICKLESS AND THE LOOSESKINS
C.B.: WITH SUCH HITS AS “BABY DON’T BITE IT” AND “RUBBERLIP JENKINS”
Me: Rolling Stone says “Never has there been this much hang down, and so little meat!”
Me: Circus Magazine says, “I thought it was a labia. I seriously fucked it for a few minutes before I figured it out, but by then it was too late to stop.”
C.B.: hahaha
C.B.: that’s the best quote
Me: I picture this taking place in the early 19060’s.
Me: 1960’s
C.B.: early 19060’s.. just before the Spice trade really started going
Me: hahahah
Me: Arrakis was nice place to live then
Me: Now all you see everywhere are these filthy damn Fremen
Me: last night i heard rattling in my trash cans, so i go out with an ornithopter wrench, and sure as shit, i see a couple pairs of blue eyes
C.B.: these bitches are dusty as fuck
C.B.: considering how little moisture they had, you know those fremen women had dried up snatches
Me: their stillsuits recycle their vaginal moisture
Me: so even if you get a fremen woman really good and excited, it’s still like trying to push a hotdog through a playdoh factory
C.B.: their vaginal walls glow blue
C.B.: which is a little disconcerting at first
C.B.: *at first*
Me: yeah, once you get used to it, you wonder how you ever managed without it
Me: no more accidentally plunging it in the wrong hole
Me: but as a motel owner, that’s why I won’t rent a room to a fremen couple
C.B.: yeah when i first got to the fremen sietch, i thought someone was just turning the lights on and off all the time
C.B.: now i understand what was really going on
Me: you go in the next day, and it’s like 60 Minutes is doing a blacklight expose on unclean sheets, only there’s no fucking blacklight, that’s just what their bodily fluids look like

semen stains black light

What happens in Vegas stays on the sheets.

C.B.: yeah it’s all fucked up
Me: don’t even get me started on what happens when they decide to get creative and break out those damn thumper things they use to summon “sandworms”
C.B.: shit, those things weren’t initially designed to attract worms
C.B.: that was just a side effect
C.B.: fremen bitches be freaky ya’ll
Me: let’s just say that I’ve heard weirder euphamisms for “i’m about to come” than “we’ve got wormsign”, but not many
Me: well, i guess when you’re stuck on the desert obsessing about worms and moisture all the time, you start to get a little funny in the head
C.B.: these bitches will drink anything
C.B.: cum, piss, whatever
C.B.: ANYTHING
C.B.: blood
C.B.: ANYTHING
Me: what about the discharge from Baron Harkonnen’s horrible face disease?

baron harkonnen

Me: will they drink that?
C.B.: anything dude
Me: That’s nauseating

vomiting glowing blue stuff

TO BE FAIR, A STEVEN SEGAL RAP ALBUM WOULD HAVE BEEN EXPONENTIALLY WORSE

Me: it’s like ice skating
Me: my mom told me i’d be fine
Me: and i said i didnt want to
Me: and i was scared
Me: and she kept telling me it would be okay
Me: so i went on the ice
Me: and it was easy
Me: really easy
Me: i started getting really good
Me: after a few weeks, i was feeling pretty confident
Me: and then that fat guy got on the ice
Me: and he came barrelling toward me
Me: and i didn’t know what to do
Me: so i put my foot out
Me: and he still ran right into me, face first
Me: so i just started kicking
Me: like in a panic
Me: and there was so much blood
Me: and now i don’t like ice skating
Me: now that i think about it, that was at least partially my fault
Me: i didnt rent skates, i got some for christmas
Me: and i spent a couple hours a day for about two weeks, sharpening them up with a whetstone
Me: those fuckers were like razors
C.B.: yeah dude, you kickstabbed the fucked outta that guy
Me: i recommend everybody try kickstabbing at least once
Me: ever since that Van Damme movie, Kickstabber, it’s gotten a bad rap
Me: but to be fair, Van Damme could give a bad rap to almost anything
C.B.: including bad rap
Me: oh thank god it never came to that
Me: i am so glad van damme didn’t release a rap album

BLONG: BLING-BLING FOR YO’ DING DING

mutant hitler

C.B.: is that guy real?
C.B.: he looks like the eagle from the muppets
C.B.: there’s a lot wrong with this picture but all i can focus on is the ear hair coming out of his left ear
C.B.: the sunlight is highlighting it perfectly
Me: Yeah, he does look like the eagle from the Muppets
Me: if he had the full mustache, he’d look like an deliquent accounts manager at a bank, or a claim adjuster for major accounts in some insurance company
C.B.: he looks like he has some sort of defect
C.B.: maybe fetal alcohol syndrome
C.B.: fuckin genetic freak
Me: I keep wanting to say that somebody Photoshopped his head to make it more narrow, but the rest of the image doesn’t stand up to that
Me: Maybe he has an extremely mild case of progeria
Me: Although my money is one fetal alcohol syndrome
C.B.: yeah
C.B.: who knows/cares
Me: true. I found a large pepperoni pizza in my sock drawer and I ate it
C.B.: was it still in the box?
Me: No.
Me: Ate it anyway
Me: Scraped the cheese off my socks with my teeth
C.B.: haha
Me: how do I get tomato sauce stains out of socks?
C.B.: you just suck on them dude
Me: Yeah, that worked, but now my tongue tastes funny
Me: So, I think I already know the answer to this, but why is it that all HR and administrative level people have this quality about them where they sound academic and bookish, but are in fact never in possession of any sense of what is going on around them?
C.B.: because they are morons
Me: My guess is that this is because they are idiots, and are mirroring some of the habits and language of truely intelligent people (many of whom they only come in contact with via National Public Radio)
Me: without possessing any actual intelligence
Me: It’s sad and somehow makes them much worse than regular morons, who are simply happy to be dumb and not give a shit
Me: These are people who actively try to live above their “station”
C.B.: blong
Me: bling bling for yo ding ding
Me: BALLIN’
C.B.: haha
Me: I have always wanted to do an article on that, complete with pictures, but I’d have to Photoshop a dick
Me: Or at least a dildo with balls
Me: and I don’t especially want to do that. maybe I’ll use fruit.

blong
C.B.: that’s pretty good

PLEASED TO MEAT YOU

Me: I want to live in a town where the streets are named after meat
Me: Pork Street
Me: Lambchop Ave
Me: Sirloin Street
C.B.: Cold Cuts Lane
Me: Right in the center of it all is Bacon Park
C.B.: don’t turn right at the end of Lambchop Ave or you’ll end up on Salad Street
Me: That’s where all the fucking vegans live
Me: How do you know when somebody is a vegan?
Me: DON’T WORRY, THEY’LL TELL YOU
C.B.: yeah i love that joke
Me: it’s something which everyone can relate to
C.B.: best part is i’d say about half smoke cigarettes
C.B.: well maybe not vegan
C.B.: but i know a ton of vegetarians who smoke
C.B.: which i find funny for some reason
Me: Tobacco is totally vegan, man
Me: no animals were harmed in the making of this product
C.B.: except insects
Me: and yeah, that is hilarious
C.B.: they don’t give a shit about insects
C.B.: or plants
C.B.: both are still alive
Me: but they’re not cute, you see
Me: they can’t have a Disney personality applied to them as easily
Me: because in nature everybody is cuddly and sweet and peaceful
Me: it’s not like nature is savage and brutal, where every moment is a struggles for survival
C.B.: hah
Me: now let’s have a group hug you guys!
Me: i mean, realistically, if you’re thinking in terms of darwinism and the food chain, vegans are more like bunnies and squirrels
Me: while omnivores are more adaptable and have a wider diet, so we get to survive more readily.
Me: any time you restrict your diet, your lower your survival rate
Me: but if the world went to hell, these vegans would be BEGGING for some goddamn tuna or beef jerky after a solid week without food
Me: stupid pretentious assholes
C.B.: haha
C.B.: yeah i agree
C.B.: i just don’t understand the idea behind it
C.B.: not to harm animals
C.B.: but they don’t give a shit about insects
C.B.: which are very much alive
C.B.: i know they don’t eat them
C.B.: but still, they have no issues killing them
Me: well, it’s flawed thinking, and it’s more of a fashion thing, if you ask me
Me: i notice that whenever somebody is on shakey ground, morally, logically, or otherwise, and you attack their belief system or make a negative comment about it, even if it isn’t directed at them, they leap to its defense with great enthusiasm and zeal
Me: like, if you said to me, “Tom, meat is murder, you shouldn’t eat meat,” I’d say, “Well, something has to die for me to eat, and I like meat, so go fuck yourself.”
Me: And that’s that.
Me: But you tell a vegan that they’re being silly and selective in their logic, they start talking about the way human teeth are shaped and how it’s more civilized to eat only plants, and they say you’re being unfair and stereotyping all vegans as being whining fucks
Me: to which I usually say, “Well, stereotypes tend to have a precedent, and if you insist that it doesn’t apply to you, don’t immediately validate it by personally identifying with my generalized comments as if I attacked your fucking GOD or something.
Me: It’s just another form of religious thinking. FUCK LOGIC.
C.B.: yeah no doubt

About the Author

Tom Cash

Hi! I’m Tom. I am on a journey of constant self-improvement, and I’m thankful that you’ve chosen to join me. I’d love to hear from you.