DUMB, FAT FUCK
This conversation is about a guy C.B. went to school with who basically personifies everything people hate about Americans. All he does is watch TV shows and eat, occasionally stopping to post about one or both of these activities on Facebook.
C.B.: “I will admit iOS 7 is limited on the iPhone 4S. I SOOOO can’t wait for my 5S and see how awesome all the colors are. I’m noticing though I need a new background but this phone will be a trade in come Friday.”
C.B.: “HOLY COW iOS 7 is as AWESOME as I thought it would be.”
Me: “see how awesome all the colors are”?
C.B.: “Dude if you have Hulu REJOICE. Hulu just added EVERYTHING BBC. From Sherlock to Doctor Who to The Fades to Being Human to on and on and on. Dude I’m so going to be stuck watching BBC shows for a few months. Like Robin Hood. I never saw that and I’m excited.”
C.B.: i hate him
Me: He’s going to be stuck watching BBC shows. STUCK. Because he doesn’t have, you know, a CHOICE.
C.B.: he has become living spam
Me: Dude is a fucking addict
C.B.: he sounds like a commercial
C.B.: he literally has nothing else to say
Me: maybe that’s his job
Me: maybe he gets paid for mentioning products
C.B.: maybe, but you’re trying to make sense of it all
C.B.: there is no sense
C.B.: he’s just every american stereotype rolled into one guy
C.B.: he’s obese, stupid, loud, oblivious to his surroundings, etc, etc
Me: i read this article a few years ago that predicted new jobs that would come up in the 2020’s and 2030’s, and one of them was “word of mouth product placement agent” – somebody who would insinuate themselves into conversations in public places and promote whatever product line(s) their company sells.
C.B.: hah yeah
C.B.: ‘brought to you by carl’s jr’
Me: people like him are definitely the reason why I can totally understand why other countries hate us
Me: i still can’t get over the fact that he’s excited by the “awesome new colors”. what does that even mean?
C.B.: it doesn’t mean anything
C.B.: it means he lets shit like the OS on his phone control his mood for the day
C.B.: OH BOY OH BOY APPLE UPDATED THE OS ON THE IPHONE
C.B.: BETTER WATCH OUT ANDROID THERE’S NOTHING STOPPING APPLE NOW!!!!!
Me: jesus christ, what is his life like?
C.B.: it involves sitting in a mcdonalds parking lot watching tv
Me: i’m pictutring him in a mcdonald’s parking lot at dusk, the light of his phone illuminating his fat face, his clothing stained with special sauce, and him mindlessly stuffing fries into his mouth and laughing emptily at flat, boring sitcom jokes
C.B.: yeah pretty much
C.B.: i’ve said it before but i still can’t believe he went through the procedure to get this stomach crimped or whatever so that he wouldn’t be so fat
C.B.: and then he just stayed fat
C.B.: because he just ate more
C.B.: that sums up how fucking stupid he is
Me: yeah, he found a way to beat the lap band
Me: like he went out of his way to to figure out which foods are the most calorically dense
Me: there’s a drug they give to alcoholics
Me: when you take it, if you drink any alcohol, you become extremely ill almost immediately
Me: the idea is to make you associate drinking alcohol with feeling bad
Me: he’s the type of guy who would figure out how much alcohol he could drink while on that drug to just get by, and slowly build up his tolerance
C.B.: that’s basically what he did with his lap band
C.B.: i guess he thought he could eat as much of whatever he wanted since he had it
Me: what a stupid motherfucker
C.B.: but he was eating ice cream constantly
C.B.: i mean, how full do you actually feel after eating ice cream?
Me: you dont
Me: you could eat an entire pint of it
C.B.: it just melts
C.B.: it’s like drinking milk
C.B.: with tons of sugar and saturated fat
C.B.: the reason i know this is because he would post every fucking picture on facebook
C.B.: HERE’S THE NEW BURGER KING HOT FUDGE SUNDAE
C.B.: IT’S NOT AS GOOD AS MCDONALDS BUT I WILL DO AN OFFICIAL TASTE TEST TOMORROW
Me: it’s just…
Me: whenever you tell me stories about him, i become overwhelmed
Me: there are so many negative emotions, so many attempts by my overactive imagination to try and make sense of it all, so many jokes i want to make. It all just becomes a clusterfuck and I find myself unable to articulate any of it
C.B.: the worst part about him is that he has kids
C.B.: i have no idea how that even happened
C.B.: and both of his kids are fat as shit
C.B.: he managed to spawn
Me: maybe he reproduces asexually
Me: maybe that’s why he eats some much
Me: every 100,000 calories, a hunk of meat with eyes and teeth falls off of his body and grows into a child
Me: instead of being nursed with milk, he warms up a bottle of gravy
C.B.: he’s one of the few people i’ve met that i can really say is ACTUALLY stupid
C.B.: like he has no concept of reality
C.B.: or what it takes to interact with humans
C.B.: 200 years ago he would have died by age 4
C.B.: and nobody would have had to deal with it
Me: he would have been working on some assembly line somewhere, and got caught up in a textile mill
Me: they would have just pushed his body into a pit and grab the next kid waiting for
C.B.: i would think he would have just eaten a pile of rocks or something
C.B.: “did you eat all these rocks?”
C.B.: *[he] dies*
C.B.: “well i guess he did”
Me: you made me laugh IRL
BANANA BOAT VIGGO
Me: jesus christ i’m 12 again
Me: this is not good
Me: no no no no
C.B.: look at how they’re dancing
C.B.: no black guy would ever get caught dancing like that these days
Me: good thing bobby brown discovered crack
Me: holy shit, the dancing
Me: the shoulderpads
Me: the fucking bike shorts and suspenders
Me: whenever i watch a music video featuring an artist that has a larger-than-life stage presence or ego, especially a popstar, I like to imagine what went on behind the scenes during the shooting of the video
Me: like with Every Little Step, I like to imagine that every time somebody fuck up, Bobby woulod get more and more stressed
Me: and he’d be thinking about that crackpipe
Me: every time the director cut, the mental image of the pipe would loom larger and larger in his head
C.B.: just imagining someone getting angry while dressed like that is hilarious
Me: yeah, like he’s reaaaaally stroppy about it
Me: he just throws his arms out, and the shoulder-pads bunch up, and then he lets them flop down to his sides
C.B.: then he waggles his head back and forth and snaps to the side and walks off
Me: he goes outside and catches the two dancers having a cigarette and just talking absolute shit about him, but as soon as he’s within earshot they just clam up and and try to hide the fact that they’re giggling. bobby makes a “you know what? fuck it” face, and storms off to his car to get high. as soon as he’s out of sight, the dancers crack up
C.B.: hahah this shit is awful
C.B.: banana boat viggo
C.B.: that’s not legal
C.B.: wtf is donald trump doing in this?
Me: bobby was definitely taking hits off the pipe when he wrote this
Me: i think the line is “found out about viggo”
Me: but it might as well have been “banana boat”
C.B.: yeah i was making funny
Me: THAT’S NOT LEGAL
Me: this video has that classic 80’s and 90’s official-soundtrack-to-a-comedy-movie thing they’d do where clips of reactions shots from the film are interspliced with the musician doing something, like the characters are actually watching him
Me: i don’t know if there’s an official term for that, but it sure is wacky
Me: OMG WHAT IS HAPPENING ON THAT GREEN SCREEN OVER THERE?
C.B.: yeah it’s so completely cheeseball
Me: i think the idea, from a marketing standpoint, would be to try to capture the goofball tone of the film and showcase scenes from it to entice people to see the movie
Me: but imagine it being presented in the same way today
WELCOME TO WHALE-MART!
Me: Are those cubes of cheese, or are they his teeth?
C.B.: i don’t know, it looks like he’s got piano keys in his mouth
C.B.: or maybe wooden planks
C.B.: i also love his shirt
C.B.: where the fuck do you buy a deer camo shirt?
Me: Yeah, his teeth are made of scrimshaw. He whittled them himself.
Me: And maybe he needs that shirt because the deer where he lives are very tiny.
Me: All I know is that it looks like the wall mural from Parks and Recreation got shrunk down and printed on his shirt.
C.B.: maybe he made his teeth out of deer antlers
Me: yeah, that sounds more likely. I doubt there are many whales in the deep woods of alabama
Me: actual nautical whales, I mean
C.B.: yeah not Wal-Mart Whales
Me: Whale-Mart doesn’t have any regular carts, they’re all the motorized kind.
C.B.: yeah it’s just a nightmare world of hoverrounds and farting
C.B.: one is always crashed into something when the driver has a heart attack
C.B.: hot dogs spilled all around
C.B.: the wheels on the thing are still spinning
C.B.: some fat lady rolls up and sees that the hot dogs laying around are a bargain and decides to pick them up
C.B.: the bathroom is huge
C.B.: which is awful because you can hear diarrhea echoes from like 50 feet away
Me: The store is in a constant state of disarray, with merchandise and actual literal shit on the floor
C.B.: yeah with tire tracks all in it
Me: the bubble gum machines have plastic eggs with gravy in them
C.B.: or maybe you put in your quarter and when you turn the crank gravy just starts pouring out
Me: there’s little paper cups provided but nobody ever uses them
Me: they just put their mouth up to the nozzle
C.B.: there’s a dead fat kid laying in a pool of gravy just under the spout
C.B.: he’s covered in gravy but all they did was put an orange cone next to him
Me: they can’t move him so they just grab a tarp from sporting goods and cover him up when they flies start to get too thick
Me: you know how Wal-Mart lets people live in their parking lots?
Me: well at Whale-Mart, they let people live IN the store
Me: people just set up little nomad villages around the store and live there because they’ve gotten too fat from all the free samples and can no longer exit the building
C.B.: someone lost their child in there about 7 years ago and they found it later skittering around in the vents
C.B.: just completely feral
Me: the vent tribe has its own rich and complex language which bases meaning off of things like how much resonance a sound makes, and how many times it echos before fading out
Me: they live off fungus harvested from the air conditioning units
C.B.: yeah every now and then they drag off one of the heart attack victims
Me: there is a legend of a place called “outside”, but they fear and shun it
C.B.: no one actually works at Whale-Mart because the customers are too fat to steal anything
Me: after generations of vent dwelling and subsiding on air conditioner fungus, Cheeto dust and the occasional heart attack victim, they have de-evolved into the creatues from The Descent
C.B.: it’s all automated checkout lines
Me: and it primarily functions on food stamps
C.B.: they stock the shelves by just trucking in slabs of things on a forklift and setting it down
Me: there’s been a fire in the housewares section for three months, but the fire department can’t figure out a way to get past the mountain of soiled adult diapers so they’re just letting it burn
Me: I like that photo in the background of Antler Teeth’s photo.
Me: Is that his mom? Is she wearing a prom dress?
Me: I know that smoke detector doesn’t have batteries in it because it’d go off every time he uses the deep fryer, and he uses that for every meal.
Me: In fact, he doesn’t know any other way to cook. When it’s time to feed the dogs, it’s deep fried beer batter kibble!
C.B.: it looks like a nuclear warning symbol
C.B.: maybe it goes off when the fries are done
Me: Yeah, the timer’s broken on the fryer, so he just waits until the smoke detector goes off
ALSO, RODIANS DON’T HAVE NIPPLES
C.B.: now witness the power of this FULLY ARMED AND OPERATIONAL BATTLE STATION
Me: *presses button*
Me: IT’S WORKING!!!
C.B.: i dunno why the emperor came out
Me: Because he was tired of pretending to be straight
C.B.: his dick looks just as terrible as his face
Me: it looks like a hunk of summer sausage that’s been thrown in a meat slicer and then left in the sun for a week
C.B.: or sorta like a mangled banana
Me: yeah, one that’s been put into a food dehydrator
Me: There’s a reason why he’s always sought to have young, virile men as his key apprentices
C.B.: yeah there’s not a lot of ass-getting when you’re a sith lord
C.B.: every now and then he tries to get a protocol droid to touch it but it’s not the same
C.B.: cold metal hands and all
Me: well, that’s true, but when they were rescontructing Anakin Skywalker, he insisted they “keep the ass intact”, but it didn’t work out
C.B.: that’s all he’s been talking about when he refers to the dark side
Me: you will TURN to the DARK SIDE
Me: and everybody knows that Zabrak’s don;t have anuses
Me: that’s why he wanted Luke so bad
Me: you know, somebody MUST have written fan fiction that plays out exactly like this
C.B.: yeah i don’t even want to look
C.B.: because i’m sure it’s there
Me: no way
Me: not a chance
Me: because along the way, you’ll find at least five completely soul searing things you’ll never be able to forget
Me: animie-style colored pencil drawings of Chewbacca stuffing his furry arm up Han’s asshole
NACHOS WITH A SIDE OF SADNESS
Me: why is this man showing me how to make nachos?
C.B.: that’s just a glimpse of the wonderful food he’ll make you in his RV if you come over to watch the game
C.B.: do you like wine coolers?
C.B.: he has them
C.B.: it’s ok he won’t tell anyone
Me: I love that he didn’t even bother it mix the cheese and the chili. He gave it like a stir and a half and was like, “Fuck it.”
By the way, this dude is a registered sex offender.