Chatlog Fun: Volume One

Tom CashChatlog Fun, HumorLeave a Comment

DRUNK BATMAN

Me: that’s because they sleep all day and drink all night
C.B.: like drunk batman
Me: i wouldn’t want to fuck with drunk batman. i’m betting he’s an angry drunk.
Me: he stumbles around the bar muttering and shows off his strength in absurdly vulgar ways, like dead lifting the jukebox
Me: and if anybody gets in his way or raises any kind of concern, he shouts “FUCK YOU MY PARENTS ARE DEAD” and starts throwing haymakers
Me: and later he goes and sits down on the floor near the bathroom and sobs openly, and nobody has the balls to kick him out
C.B.: exactly
C.B.: he trips on his own cape and his grapple gun goes off on accident
Me: he sullenly sits at the bar and carves shit into the bartop with a batarang

VIKINGS AND TREEWOMEN

C.B.: yeah i fucked a treewoman before
C.B.: it sounds great but it was really horrible
C.B.: it was like fucking a knothole
Me: No amount of lube will make it feel good. It’s just rough and painful
C.B.: yep exactly
C.B.: and their tits are like pinecones
C.B.: it’s not a comfy place
C.B.: but you know, whatever
Me: Yeah
C.B.: i’d probably fuck her again
Me: I just wish I didn’t find trees so arousing.
Me: I try to remember that it sucks to have sex with them, but then I get excited and I forget until its too late
C.B.: yeah
C.B.: being high on pcp doesn’t help either
Me: hahaha
C.B.: i have never in my life heard of anyone doing pcp
C.B.: and i remember very clearly in school that that was a drug we were warned about a lot
Me: You know those” Meth – Not Even Once” ads? Somebody should PCP ads like that
C.B.: if i had never learned about it, i wouldn’t know what it was to this day
Me: Yeah, PCP is pretty obscure
Me: I’ve never met anybody who’s done it
Me: Or who even knows somebody who did
Me: they’re all like “dude, are you fucking crazy? no way i would do pcp”
Me: “It’s not normal to ride a unicorn into a 7-11 and savagely rape a Slurpee machine, but on PCP it is. PCP – Not Even Once!”
C.B.: i think that would make kids try it
C.B.: PCP lets you rob a bank and get shot like 44 times
Me: hahahaha
Me: Basically, PCP turns you into a fucking superhero
Me: temporarily
C.B.: yeah you get about 150 extra HP
C.B.: but when the PCP buff wears off it takes it all back
Me: yeah, like Berserker rage in D&D
C.B.: hahah yeah
Me: intetresting piece of historical fact: viking berserkers used to eat shitloads of amanita muscaria mushrooms – you know those red toadstools with the white specks – and trip balls and they would strip naked, cover themselves in blood and charge into battle
Me: can you imagine?
Me: I would shit myself
Me: Some fucking 300 pound wall of meat is soaked in blood and can get stabbed in the chest without it so much as phasing him
Me: and he’s charging toward you
Me: swinging a fucking axe
C.B.: haha

THE MAYONNAISE LADY

chatlogs01-mayoLady

C.B.: no fucking way
C.B.: i never thought anyone actually just ate mayo like that
Me: I know. I’ve joked about shit like that on the assumption nobody would actually do it
Me: how low do you have to sink, as a human being, to be hungry for a snack, and think of mayo?
Me: and not just like a little mayo
Me: but enough to require you to carry around the fucking jar
Me: and to do so in public, on what appears to be a bus?
Me: that requires some planning
C.B.: it actually kind of makes me sick to my stomach
C.B.: ugh
Me: that means this person thought, “Gonna need a snack. Better bring mayo.”
Me: This is not a new development
Me: I imagine this was a slow degradation on this person’s part
Me: like over time they’ve slowly isolated their diet to the point that the only thing which satisifies this person’s acquired dietary needs is a jar of fucking mayonaise
C.B.: yeah nothing like egg whites and vegetable oil
C.B.: or whatever the FUCK mayo is

FOREVER LAZY

Me: Wear it while you’re taking fifteen or twenty items out of the fridge at once
Me: wear while dad slips into a diabetic coma
Me: wear it for weeks and week without washing it
Me: it’s perfect for wearing while growing out your neckbeard
C.B.: lol
Me: there’s a handy hatch for easy access during your frequent bouts of explosive diarehha
C.B.: yeah basically put it on right before you put a pistol in your mouth
Me: hahahah
Me: the fluffy, abosrbant fleece will soak up a lot of the blood
C.B.: it’s the only way to truely be FOREVER LAZY

THE HELLISH 70’S

chatlogs01-70s

C.B.: the 70s were all fucked up
C.B.: this could possibly be 80s but it would have to be pre 1985
Me: basically everything from like 1970 to 1985 was like living in a nightmare of some kind
C.B.: it was bizarro world
C.B.: men’s shorts were crazy tiny
C.B.: that’s just a bad idea all around
Me: pants were tight on the thighs and loose and floppy from the knees down
Me: mustaches were unironically popular
Me: a mullet was an acceptable hairstyle
Me: I woulc cite disco, but popular music has been shitty for a long time
C.B.: every white dude had a jew fro
C.B.: just like the greatest american hero
C.B.: this guy in this pic probably had a stinky 3 way with these two girls who are probably both named Tina
C.B.: it was really musty with a lot of pubic hair
Me: I beg to differ. One of those girls has GOT to be named Debra
C.B.: staring at this picture you can almost hear the rattling of the air conditioner window unit
Me: I think if I stare hard enough I can smell Brut… or is is Chaps?
C.B.: probably Brut
Me: He would rub a little on his exposed belly button because it drove the girls wild
C.B.: the hispanic chick probably smells like coconut sunscreen
C.B.: and the white chick smells like marlboros
Me: yeah, that’s about right
Me: Right now that dude collects muscle cars, has a comb-over and a HUGE beer gut
Me: the girl on the left is the head nurse of a pediatrics ward in Ohio
C.B.: this guy’s name is Russell
Me: and the girl on the right is the night manager of a Wendy’s and weighs 350 pounds
C.B.: Tina Mendez
Me: Only back then, every called him Rusty
C.B.: and Tina Patterson
C.B.: he’s Rusty Rhoades
Me: That shirt accurately portrays the car he was driving at the time
C.B.: hell yeah it does
Me: Now he drives a Rav-4 with 150,000 miles on it
C.B.: he lived in the guest house behind his parents’ place
C.B.: that’s where this was taken
C.B.: in fact, the next morning he had to rake leaves hung over
C.B.: what a bummer
C.B.: but it was cool, he was done a little after noon, which gave him enough time to go to the beer store
C.B.: He ended up having to move out of that place when his dad caught him “smoking drugs”
C.B.: later on he got VD
C.B.: it was a downhill slide for a while
Me: then in 82 he got into selling junk bonds and life turned around
Me: he was doing really good
Me: he even had an in-ground pool
C.B.: (that the chicks totally loved)
Me: and a pretty consistant coke connection
Me: (that the chicks totally loved)
Me: His favorite movie is Scarface. When laserdiscs came out, he was hte first person in town to own one, and he would watch that movie at least three times a week
C.B.: yeah he was one crazy sumbitch

About the Author

Tom Cash

Hi! I’m Tom. I am on a journey of constant self-improvement, and I’m thankful that you’ve chosen to join me. I’d love to hear from you.