The Exciting Adventures of Vault-Man – Episode 1: Humble Beginnings

Tom CashExciting Adventures of Vault-Man, Humor Comments

I do not know my name. I do not remember anything at all prior to waking up in Vault 111.

After a bit of digging in the Vault Overseer’s computer, I discovered that the vault, which was ostensibly used to shelter individuals in the event of a nuclear strike, had a more obscure purpose – to produce superhumans.

According to the records I discovered, I was among a group of test subjects who were placed into cryogenic stasis, pumped full of drugs, and given subliminal training sessions. The process was only meant to take 20 years, but due to some sort of catastrophe, all the inhabitants of the vault were killed, and the process went on for another 200 years. Apparently this extended period of stasis has wiped out my memories.

I learned that I am one of the only two survivors. The other, someone named Kellogg, had escaped his confinement some time ago. I would have to find him, to see if he, too, has the apparently superhuman abilities that I now possess. As far as I know, I am stronger and faster than any human alive, and I can run at a full sprint for hours and not tire.

Unfortunately, I remember almost nothing about my life before the experiment. In fact, the only thing I remember clearly is that I love comic books. I remember always wanting to be a superhero. So I’ve decided to become one; after all, what good is a superhuman set of skills if you don’t user them to fight crime?

And so, I have decided to call myself Vault-Man.

Vault-Man

Hero of the Commonwealth, protector of the weak and powerless, and punisher of evil!

I even have a sidekick and a secret base! Having discovered an abandoned gas station, I claimed it as my own, and adopted the stray dog that was living there. I call the dog Vault-Dog, and the base I call The Vaultress of Solitude.

I’m not very good at naming things. Maybe I’ll think of a better name later.

After a bit of exploring, I found my first opportunity to strike pain into the hearts and lungs of evildoers, when I came upon a group of filthy drug addicts – Raiders, they call themselves – attacking a group of innocent civilians in an old government building or museum of some kind. I quickly dispatched the villains and rescued the civilians, who thanked me by having a strange lady tell me my fortune. Her name was Mama Murphy.

Mama Murphy

She’s a nice lady, but she slurs her words and rambles incoherently. I suppose maybe she had a stroke?

Among other things, Mama Murphy told me to visit a place called Diamond City, where I could learn more about Kellogg, who she told me was indeed like me.

Wasting no time, I ventured southeast towards Diamond City. I decided it would be wise to wear a disguise, so as to not alarm the citizens of the Commonwealth, who no doubt fear magic and would cast me out as a witch. Not to say that they could, but I don’t like to pulverize people’s spines with my bare hands unless I absolutely have to.

Fallout 4 cool outfit

Nobody knows it’s me!

Before long, I had found Diamond City, only to discover that the gate was sealed. I could have easily torn it down, but I decided that this might leave a bad impression on the good citizens of Diamond City, so instead I followed a young woman named Piper in after she conned her way inside.

Fallout 4 Piper and Mayor

The mayor and Piper do not get along. I’m not sure I trust the man, myself. I will not hesitate to smash his nose up into his brain if I must.

I learned that Piper was a journalist, and I agreed to let her interview me. I figured that a good superhero should always have the press on their side, so I gave her a brave speech about how the people of the Commonwealth should feel safe now that I am smiting evil. I believe I impressed her, because she offered to travel with me on my quest to find Kellogg.

Piper suggested we talk to the local private detective, a man named Nick Valentine. Unfortunately, he had gone missing, and the only lead we had was that he had been taken to some sort of underground base to the east of Diamond City.

I decided it was time to reveal my true identity to Piper and we proceeded on our mission to rescue Nick.

The Commonwealth is a dangerous place. We were attacked by Raiders, huge green men that Piper calls Super Mutants, and a ro-but. Have you ever punched a ro-but? I have, and I tell you, it’s hell on the knuckles.

Fallout 4 fighting robot

Even if you have super knuckles, punching ro-buts is painful!

A gang of two-bit gangsters had stolen Nick away to a forgotten Vault in a subway station. As usual, they were no match for a man like me.

Fallout 4 fighting triggerman

Have you ever punched a man so hard that his head exploded? I have.

Nick – who it turns out is a friendly ro-but – was being guarded by a thug named Dino, whose head I twisted off like a bottle cap. I freed Nick, and together we confronted a fat man named Skinny Malone, and his girlfriend, a confused young lady named Darla.

I managed to talk Darla into returning home, and Skinny hesitantly let us leave unharmed. We escorted Nick back to Diamond City, and I explained my wish to track down Kellogg. He didn’t believe me when I told him I was a superhuman, so I bench-pressed his desk. I think that changed his opinion.

ep01-08-youreAWhat-01

ep01-08-youreAWhat-02

ep01-08-youreAWhat-03a

ep01-08-youreAWhat-03b

ep01-08-youreAWhat-04

ep01-08-youreAWhat-05

Nick told me that he believed that Kellogg had a home in right there in Diamond City, but I would need to visit the mayor’s secretary in order to acquire access to it.

Easily done. I paid a quick visit to the Mayor’s office, and managed to convince the secretary that this was matter of life or death, and she gave me the key. I think people can sense my goodness radiating outward, like a fluffy, soft blanket of peace and security, ready to crush the bones of evildoers into a fine powder, turning their bodies into shapeless meat sacks.

Fallout 4 Diamond City at night

The Commonwealth can be a deadly place, but it is also full of beauty and majesty and bad people to crush. And that is a beautiful thing.

And isn’t that what the good people of the world deserve?

About the Author

Tom Cash

Hi! I'm Tom. I am on a journey of constant self-improvement, and I'm thankful that you've chosen to join me. I'd love to hear from you.