A Word of Warning for My Hypothetical Midget Readers

Bob KowchanskiBlog Posts, HumorLeave a Comment

It’s an age-old question: are Midgets real?  Alls I know for sure is that I’ve never met one!  I seen them in those Hobbit movies, but I watched the special features and it was normal actors and they used camera tricks and CGI to make them look smaller.  Now, I know you’re probably thinking it, so I’ll say it: how did they do it in the old days, before CGI and camera were invented? With which to do tricks, and I think the answer is obvious: puppets.  People were easier to fool back then.  It’s like Ren & Stimply used to say:

ren and stimpy stew meat and puppets

Stew meat and puppets!

The real answer is staring us in the… well, the kneecaps, I guess, since a Midget wouldn’t be at eye level with a human.  Jay R. Tolkien himself, one of the greatest geniuses of the 17th century, wrote a whole series of fantasy novels about an entire race of Midgets, although in olden times they were called either Hobbits, or Dwarfs, if they grew a beard.  I think that says a lot!

Since wisdom would dictate that Midgets are fantasy creatures, let’s get started by discussing some of the most famous Midgets.

HOBBITS

This is the most obvious kind of Midget, because it’s the most famous.  And what are the two most famous Hobbits?  Why Bilbo and Froden, of course!  Bilbo and Froden were brothers or cousins or something; I know they weren’t father and son because pretty much everybody knew that Bilbo was a homosexual, and after his first love – Thorin Oakenshield died – he was pretty much done with all of that.  I don’t think Thorin was gay, though, I’m pretty sure it was a friendzone kind of deal.

But Froden was the real deal, and in some ways, he was the opposite of Bilbo, because he volunteered to go out on missions and guild raids and stuff, and even though his gardener Sam was totally gay for him, Froden wasn’t into it.  I think maybe all Hobbits are pansexual or whatever they call it, where they’ll bang anybody, but Froden was so hung up on the ring that he became totally asexual as a result, and that’s probably for the best, because Sam would never have ended up marrying that tavern wench otherwise.

hobbits

FAKE! These so-called “Hobbits” were just actors, and normal size!

TYRION BANISTER

He might not be the most famous Midget, but Tyrion Banister is by far the coolest Midget!  He’s handsome, he’s funny, he’s always drunk, he bangs the hottest chicks (definitely not gay no matter how much that bald fat guy in the dress tried to convert him), and he’s rich!  He’s so rich he invented green napalm and blew up a bunch of ships and all that little whiny sissy guy did was poop in his armor.  Tyrion should have been the king, but he was too busy being awesome.  If there was one midget that I wish was real, it would be him.

Tyrion Lannister is a pimp

WILLOWS

The Willows are a race of Midgets from the movie Willow.  In this movie, the main Willow, played by Wartwick Davis has to team up with Val Kilmer (before he got fat) to save a baby from an witch lady.  And there’s some even smaller guys who fly and look like they’re covered in poop.  I haven’t seen that movie in years!

willow warwick davis

So convincing!  It’s amazing what a little makeup and professional lighting can do!

BUT ARE THEY REAL?

For hundreds of years, man has been asking these same questions: What are Midgets?  Where did they come from?  What is their agenda?  Are they even real things?

“[He] was a Gordon-Ramsay-lookalike porn Midget that was eaten by a badger!  And no, that’s not a euphemism for climbing up into a vagina and dying in there, although that’s not unheard of for porn Midgets.”

Well, philosophical ponderings aside, let’s pretend that they are real.  And for the purposes of this article, let’s pretend that you’re a Midget, and you’ve come here for advice.  That’s very wise of you.  I’m going to assume you got a human to type in the address for you since you can’t reach the keyboard.  Be careful now, because what you’re about to read may shock you, and if you fall down from the precariously stacked tower of books you’re using so you can see the computer screen, you could get seriously injured, and I don’t think that most hospitals take Humplebump stew or burlap bags full of mushrooms and roots as trade for medical treatment, especially against a species with radically different anatomies.  Maybe you’d be better off going to a vet?  I don’t know, being a Midget is fraught with peril and I don’t envy you, fictional Midget who is really a person but is pretending to be a Midget while reading this.

Anyways, consider the cautionary tale of Percy Foster.

Percy Foster Gordon Ramsey sex dwarf

I honestly can’t tell them apart.

Again, we must suspend disbelief and presume that Midgets are real in order to accept the rest of the otherwise plausible story I am about to tell you.  Percy Foster was a Midget, and not just any Midget: he was a porn Midget.  And not just any porn Midget: he was a celebrity-lookalike porn Midget!  And not just any celebrity-lookalike porn Midget: he was a Gordon-Ramsay-lookalike porn Midget!  And not just any Gordon-Ramsay-lookalike porn Midget: he was a Gordon-Ramsay-lookalike porn Midget that was eaten by a badger!  And no, that’s not a euphemism for climbing up into a vagina and dying in there, although that’s not unheard of for porn Midgets.

scary badger

Honestly, that looks kind of intimidating.  Does anybody have an idea on the scale of this thing?  For all I know, it’s the size of a VW Bus… Jesus Christ, we might be in some real trouble here!

If you are a celebrity-lookalike porn Midget in the woods, beware of beavers, or they might eat you!  And if I were Gordon Ramsey, I’d be pretty worried, because now there’s a van-sized badger out there with a taste for things that taste like Gordon Ramsey, and the only thing that tastes like Gordon Ramsey besides you is dead.

About the Author

Bob Kowchanski

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There’s an old saying that goes, “If it doesn’t make sense, write it down. If it still doesn’t make seance, crumple it up and eat it.” I know it’s old because I invented it myself in 6th grade, and I stand by it to this very day. I don’t know what else to put here. I think my posts speak for themselves, so read those, instead. Email me at kowchanfiftyslick@gmail.com.